Date: 26 May 2013

Date: 26th May 2013

It’s been five months since my last update and I don’t even know how long since the last blog post!

If I’m honest with myself  I’d say that I have been doing *something* in that time and for a boost of much needed confidence I’m going to list it out here!

1. Completed my project (well except for one important part..ahem) and waiting for it to be edited by a friend of mine.

2. Went through a second round of Mandala colouring workshop that I thoroughly enjoyed.

3. Started morning walks again and increased the intensity of said walks. Trying to make it for at least 5 times a week.

4. Re-scheduled my working days so that I now get more time free!

5. Finished two more modules in the course I’m taking and started on two more (which is inline with my goal)

6. Did one “professional” tarot card reading for a friend! (Yay me!)

7. Started on this 30 day squat challenge that’s been going around the internet. I also in a fit of being realistic halved the number of squats per day and the increments too. So that’s all good.

8. Finally braved my fear of entering this huge bookshop called Kinokuniya and spent RM600 + on books! Haven’t spent that amount of money on books at a go for a long time! I’m not even sure if this belongs in this list…but oh well.

9. Started to get a “crafty itch” so bought some craft stuff and made my first birthday card for a friend.

10. Made my own little “Blog and Project” notebook and another little book for To-do lists, calender and stuff.

11. Started a “self study” on the “classical” interpretation of Tarot cards ( Just 4 cards in..but hey, it’s still something!)

I also got into some deep doo-doo. Yup, I am now in need of slowly weaning myself from my addiction to Youtube! I mean you know you need help when you feel bored watching Youtube videos but still keep clicking on videos to watch! Sigh…

Personally though, internally I’ve been feeling a little lost…well sometimes a lot lost. I keep wondering “What am I doing?” “What does my soul really want?” “What am I meant to be doing?” ” Where does my passion lie?” I thought it was writing, though when I get down to it, I *do* enjoy it. I thought it was art…and when I get down to it, I do enjoy it. But being in this world and age when “getting results” is important…I feel a little bummed. It’s like at times I feel like I’m wasting my time. I read books, I try to meditate, I try to use my intuition, I keep wanting to blog …but is it leading me any where? Then I remind myself that it’s the journey that counts, not the destination.

At a certain level I do realize that I am obsessed with the outcome. I want to SEE some results. I want to FEEL that I am successful at something. And maybe I am. I know I am more patient with my patients. That’s a big thing for me, actually. I am more aware of what I am thinking and what I am feeling, even though at times it may feel like I don’t feel anything…just walking in a fog. Then at times I feel like I am getting it. I am getting the fact that it really is about the journey. It is about how I choose to live my life daily. That every experience on a day to day basis, every realization, every time I am aware of myself is what counts. That, *that* is what it is all about. But it’s a fleeting sort of a feeling. It comes, I nod my head and it’s gone; and then I’m back doing mental face palms at myself.

More often than not that feeling that I need to be doing *something* comes up. The problem is I don’t know what that something is at all! Sometimes I feel like there is this invisible wall that’s preventing me from breaking through. And I have this feeling that it’s me that’s putting up this wall but I don’t know what to do about it! Sometimes I think I’m just being plain lazy and making up all sorts of clever excuses. Honestly, I really think that it’s one of my talents! Dubious though it maybe, I’m owning it, ha!

I get excited about stuff and then I get bored of it….well, here’s the thing. As I am typing this I don’t feel bored with it at all! I’m enjoying it! I read up on the first two Major Arcana cards, wrote out the meaning in a notebook I plan to keep for reference, feeling all gung ho about it…..some three weeks ago. Then I just completely left it aside. Today I forced myself to sit down and open up the books and you know what? Just like how it actually feels good to exercise when you finally manage to exercise, I felt the interest well up inside me again for the information about the cards. It’s like I’m a living yo-yo…for everything not just weight loss!

Then again, I also think it could be that I over analyze things. I plan things out ( I *love* planning…just the planning though), I want it to be perfect and I tire myself out with all these expectations of how it has to be even before I get started. I get an idea in my head…I get excited…I can sort of see it in my mind’s eye…then I feel my brain get tired because deep within me I’m afraid that it won’t be up to my expectations! And you know what’s even worse…the expectation that I have has nothing to do with whether I like it or not but it’s all about if others will like it! My expectation of something being good enough is not about what I think of it but what others think about it! D’oh!

I literally squeeze the joy from what I like to do by basing the value of it on the reaction of other people to it…not even mine! If that isn’t silly, then I don’t know what is. You know?

Why can’t I just be happy doing something for me? Does my feeling of unworthiness go so deep? It must be…

Well, at least I’m aware of it…and that’s something good…I hope !

Date: 6 January 2013

Date: 6th January 2013

I’d like to say that I’ve made progress in leaps and bounds but sadly that isn’t really true. I have noticed that I’m more aware of my feelings, of my actions and that I’m not as perturbed as I used to be about “being left behind” in my quest for growth – spiritually that is. Physically…let’s just say I’d rather not grow as fast!

I’ve been reading a little more and trying to apply what I have read a little more. I’ve realized that I really need to learn to listen with an open mind and heart instead of jumping in with what *I* feel or think! Maybe this is all part of becoming more aware….learning to live in the moment?

Sometimes I try my best to be patient and let things that irritate not irritate me, but it sort of lashes back at me because then I lash out or get angry at something small! So…maybe I need to not learn to control but to let it go through, feel it and THEN let it go. I don’t know…a few months ago I felt this sudden urgency to get things done, as in self growth and all that. Now…not so much an urgency but more of this quiet yet deep knowing that there is much I have to learn and to improve on.

I wish I could say that I am more accepting of myself…well to be honest I think I am..a little more. It’s more internal than external, which I’m taking as a start.

It’s strange..I have all these books that will help me to get back to myself, I started with Paul Ferrini’s book which lays out these 8 steps ( Keys to the Kingdom). Read the whole book, started with the first step, with the intention to continue to build on each step every week..uhm..it’s been about a month or slightly less and I’m still at “Am I loving myself at this moment”. I’d like to say that I’m lazy which is very true but at the same time I’m a little aghast to think that I may “just not be bothered because it’s not going to help me”. I try to placate myself then by thinking..maybe I’m just afraid of change, which to my warped mind is a lot better than being apathetic about my own growth!

Good intentions are wonderful but one needs a less lazy behind to get in gear, me thinks!

I’ve been also working on a project. It sort of came about in a weird sort of way. I was happily drawing and colouring with additions of sprinkling some “My blog! My blog! I need to post in my blog!”, when the idea of the project came to me. It’s not done yet but it’s coming along and I’m kind of quietly excited about that.

I also made good use of my newly (re) discovered artistic side….I drew a picture for my mom and sis, framed them (the pieces not my mom and sis) and gave them as Christmas gifts! My mom’s thank you went something like this ” Draw a picture of Lord Ganesha so that we can give it to X” – the X being the parent’s close friends. Something about “Give a foot and they ask for a yard” came to mind..but it’s all good. And no..I haven’t even attempted to try drawing Lord Ganesha…I haven’t progressed much with animal drawings after Unicorn May so a roly-poly god with an elephant’s head might prove a challenge.

Well, that’s about it…I’d thought I would have lots to write about this journey but maybe the changes are so subtle and there are so many times when we move forwards and then slip back a step or two that sometimes, there is nothing really much to write about?

Date: 11 September 2012

Date: 11th September 2012

It’s been 11 days since I left the corporate world. The first week was hectic. This week though, has given me time, too much time on my hands. I guess that’s a good thing, then again sometimes it can be a not so good thing.

My work week starts on a Wednesday evening for four hours and then full days from Thursday to Saturday. For some reason yesterday was a great start. I felt energetic, I felt alive, I felt just great until the late afternoon slump hit and I tried to meditate. Sometimes I feel like I try too hard. So hard that I miss the whole point of this journey. Blinded and frustrated about not experiencing the expected I start putting myself down.

I guess maybe hopefully this is part of the journey. For me to lose the expectations of what should be or has to be and instead listen and pay attention to what is. To let go. It’s easy I feel to think that you have let go, I mean…I left a stable job and am just doing, but you know what? I don’t think this is it. It’s part of it, sure. Taking that leap of faith and just doing it, whatever that it may be, but that’s just the first step. Maybe to truly let go is to surrender complete control of what Life, the Universe, God has in store for me. Maybe its taking that deep breath and just going with the flow. Not holding back, not thinking too much, not saying it has to be *this* way or *that* way- letting it just happen. It’s scary though. What if it’s something that I don’t like to do? What if it’s a path that I am not comfortable with?

Then again, maybe to reach that point in life I would have to feel uncomfortable, I would need to feel unsure. Talking about feeling unsure, I had a mini “Oh my God, what am I doing??” moment last evening. It was just before the “Who are you kidding, what makes you think you’re so great” moment. Like one great movie successfully sequel-ing another.

The really hard part is this: A lot of times we KNOW, we know what we need to do or not need to do. We know that we need to sometimes chill, sometimes throw our hands in the air and say “I give up, You take over” and all that, but knowing is one thing, actually practicing it is a whole other ball game. I also realize that I am terrified of actually working on myself. Sure I read, but most of these books are knowledge based, it’s not those that make you sit and go into yourself; and face who you are. The wounded self, the angry self, the petulant self, the fearful self. That’s the one thing that is sitting at the back of my mind winking at me whenever I look over – like a gentle reminder, though at times it looks like a dirty old man and I get kinda queasy. Okay, so maybe I’m not really the queasy kind, but you get the idea.

Do I regret leaving my job? NO. Do I feel that this is the right path for me? I’m honestly not sure. I want to. I know this is what I want. This is what I feel happy doing. This is also the time that my self doubting rears it’s head to make me feel insecure. This is me doubting that the self doubting is actually self doubt and not something more positive. In other words, this is the time for major confusion. My hope is that this time will pass and I will allow myself to see the path more clearly. That I will learn to let go and  then maybe I can see the big picture, or maybe it isn’t the time for me to see the big picture.

In fact, I’m just going to stop thinking because believe me when this starts it doesn’t end till it’s completely drained my brain!

Date: 4 July 2012

Date: 4th July 2012

Two days ago I officially tendered my resignation at the place that I am currently working.

I have not got another job lined up at another company. In fact, I am leaving the corporate world after a little detour of about 3 years. The person that used to proclaim that she had “lost her patience with patients” has decided to go back to practicing medicine – though this time it will be on a part-time, free lance sort of schedule. In fact, the reason that I have decided to go back to seeing patients is that I needed to gain back my patience with patients.

It’s strange and yet in a way it isn’t. I’ve always believed one should never say never and also at certain point in our life we may be sure of one thing and then do a total 180 degree turn and feel the opposite at a different point in time.

I’d been thinking more and more of leaving the drudgery of  the corporate world. To me it wasn’t fulfilling. To me it was suddenly apparent that the “change” I had wanted wasn’t a change in company culture or change in my portfolio. The feeling of restlessness that had prompted me to change jobs didn’t have anything to do with the job. It was some thing else altogether. I realized that some time ago. I had realized what it was that I wanted to do. I had put my intentions out into the Universe. BUT I wasn’t actually doing anything much about it. That was what I hadn’t realized. I was still in the same type of job doing the same sort of thing – it was just in a different company and with different products.  I was stuck in a rut.

Sure, I had started reading again, meditating off and on; and reducing the time I spent on the internet…but that wasn’t breaking out of the mold. That wasn’t taking the step I needed to get out of my comfort zone. That wasn’t showing my determination of following the path that I want to take.

More and more I kept thinking of how I could break free from the monotony of my life,  find the flexibility of time and some sort of independence to pursue my goal. More and more I kept thinking of going back to part time practice. After talking it out with my sis, I finally decided to just do it – Nike style😉

Tallied what I would need to maintain daily expenses, called up a couple of GP clinics around my area and was pleasantly surprised to find that they would be interested in taking me on. I still need to serve my 2 months notice so there will be another round of calls to make nearing the end of the notice period. Wouldn’t you know it. As soon as I had decided, as soon as I had started taking the steps…I got my very first little writing project! It wasn’t much, but it was a start!

Am I worried? Well…honestly speaking I haven’t thought about it. It hasn’t been plaguing my mind and giving me sleepless nights. Sometimes I do feel a small sense of wonder that I’m just leaving a stable job with a stable monthly income to pursue something that isn’t even concrete.

Do I think or feel that it is the right move? For now the answer is a resounding YES! It even works out logically. As someone that want to learn to be a spiritual healer , to write on matters pertaining to life and spirituality; and to maybe one day be able to share my experiences and knowledge what better way than to go back to re connecting with patients and their families. What better way to gain back patience and empathy for another human being than to reach out to the physically ill and to spend time talking with them. Doing free lance and part time locum at clinics will also give me the flexibility of time to read more and to work more on myself.

To get back to me🙂

Date: 11 June 2012

Date: 11th June 2012

New blog with a new name with no so new thoughts being written (typed) out. My journey has been one of lots of stops and starts, but you know after going through it all I really don’t mind it too much. I’m hoping that I’m learning my lessons with each start and stop. For the past few weeks I’ve sensed some changes in me. They aren’t very big changes but changes nevertheless.

I’m putting in more effort in the course that I signed up for. Reading the book, trying to figure it out…slowly, trying to minimize the time I spend on the internet, listening to some of my favourite CDs, trying to remember to say my mantras / affirmations and the like.

I’ll admit I didn’t start this willingly…I actually sorta fought it till I had a mini little breakdown. Threw a pity party for myself, got all wound up and angry, frustrated and wrote a little something:

Disclaimer: If anyone of you come across this, please disregard..I just felt this and wanted to get it out (some shit about getting stuff out) So I typed it out, thought and debated if it should be kept private, then decided if it was kept private that’s not getting this thing “out”…so therefore..its now “out”. I am hoping it gets lost in all the other shit I post..at least it won’t be so bad.

“I feel like a failure.

It doesn’t help when its rubbed into your face.It doesn’t help when it is assumed I don’t know stuff..I do.

So many things I feel and that go through my mind…I put myself down more than enough…I don’t need anyone else doing that for me😦

I so want to say to life “I give up! Just do whatever it is you wanna do with me. I don’t give a shit anymore”

But I have this stupid thing in me called hope..and to say it bluntly..this hope is gonna be the death of me”:/

Oh and by the way, the above classic was written and posted on my Facebook page.

A week a more prior to that, I had the opportunity to meet with Anne Jones who’s a healer. I seriously was feeling desperate. I sat there in the room with her and I just talked and talked. I whined and moped and almost cried. The thing was I needed help…I had been trying but it didn’t seem to be working. I needed and wanted my heart to open. I felt that if she couldn’t help me…I was doomed. I mean I know that wouldn’t really have been the case (hopefully) but at that point in time I honestly felt so.

She helped me. That’s all I can say. Together with my wanting so much to open my heart and with her gift of healing we opened my heart🙂 It was a step. The first step. She gave me the tools to allow me to open my heart more and I’m using it. Each time I say the affirmation and imagine my heart center I can feel that beautiful pink light wash over me and its the most wonderful feeling ever. Sometimes I feel it stronger than other times, sometimes longer than other times…but each little opportunity I get to feel it, it makes me smile and warms me inside.

She told me that there mustn’t be should or ought to in our journey. There is no right or wrong way. There is our way, the way that suits us best and to follow that. You know, hearing her say that…took a ton of pressure away from me. I still have doubts. I still wonder…but I tell myself that the aim is to ascend and to find my way to God and to my true self. It’s something I have to keep reminding myself, but that’s fine too.

Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time. My day to day life is as it is. My working life is making me frustrated. I feel like I’m losing patience easily with those I work with , I try my best to not drag myself to work by telling myself that its just a part of my journey and that I am where I am supposed to be…but that’s getting more and more difficult to do and hold on to. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for the same type of position but at a different company. The good thing about this one is that its NOT in the Nutritional industry and it’s a European based company. I’ve no idea how the interview is going to turn out or what the outcome is – I’m hoping that it will be fruitful. I need it to be. I want it to be. The office is much closer to home which is something I am glad for too.

One of my dreams is to write about life and spirituality which is why I started this blog. This will be my stepping stone and part of my journey, my learning, my experience.

At this point, I’m contented. I still have work to do and I still want to put in more effort, but right now I’m comfortable and that to me is good.

Date: 25 April 2012

Date: 25th April 2012

Dog Paddling

I sometimes feel like I’m my own special guest star on my blog, making an occasional visit , posting a few blogs and then disappearing again.

This time its been four months since my last post, which in the grand scheme of things probably isn’t that long, but on the other hand…feels like another half a life time. Only problem is that this half seems to be very familiar to the previous half..when I disappeared for 5 months.

My sister wisely told me once I am like a tree made of rubber. Similar to the yoyo I say I am, but I think her analogy is a little more apt. Imagine if you will..this tree that stretches itself all the way to one side…then releases itself and bounces not to the center as we hope but all the way to the other side. The thing is achieving balance is so hard for me it’s not even funny or sad..its just plain ridiculous!

Jumping into one pond I attempt to dog paddle as hard as I can, swimming in circles , trying so hard to keep my head above the water and expecting to reach the beautiful island in the center…I forget everything else. Getting tired  I then deftly jump into another to start the whole process again, always aiming for that seemingly unattainable island.

I don’t know what to do anymore…if I wasn’t me, I’d throw my hands up and say “I’m done” and sometimes I wish I could. Honestly and sincerely just say “I’m done” and mean it. But of course I don’t. There’s always this voice that urges me on..tells me to try the next thing instead..and so I do. The sad truth is that I give up easily without actually sticking to anything. I still expect to have these big changes and I expect them A.S.A.P. Here’s the thing, I know these changes don’t happen when you want them to happen, I know it takes time, I know all these “wise” things but I stubbornly refuse to realize them! I figure if I tried as hard as I did (even for the short time I do try) with my work, I’d be blazing up the career ladder…but that’s not what I truly want. I don’t care so much about the corporate world…in fact I hate it.

Clearly I’m confused. I’ll be celebrating the big 4-0 in 5 months time and I am *still* confused of what I truly want…I am *still* afraid to tell myself exactly what I want…because I may be wrong…maybe the corporate world is where I belong being the working minion? Maybe I will not cut it with my writing? Maybe I am not meant to follow the path of spirituality as a profession? Maybe this and maybe that ; and all the while I am just trudging along my life journey, shoulders bent more and more under the weight of my self doubting confusions.

To top all this off, is this sudden yearning for  a special someone. I feel alone and lonely. I’ve always wanted someone that would accept me for what and who I am. The fumbling, insecure, self doubting person that at times can’t keep her mouth shut and seems to know a great deal more than she really does about life.It’s strange but at the same time it’s not. Don’t they say empty vessels make the loudest sounds? Well…I feel that way about me sometimes, actually truth be told, most time. I’m not doing anything about finding anyone…I’m just letting it simmer on the back burner till that explodes all over me…something I am quite proficient in doing – leaving things to simmer till it explodes.

This is another attempt for me to see if I can pull my head out of whatever murky cloud I stuck it in, and try…for something, anything positive to happen. Something positive that would mean something to me. Something that would make me feel that I have finally…finally accomplished something that I truly wanted…needed in my life.

In the “real” world, the big story is that the division that I am currently working in has been bought over by another company (Nestle bought over Pfizer Nutrition). I have no idea what’s to become of my position or anything. At first I got a little panicky…a little worried, you know bills to pay and credit card to murder once in a while…but now…nothing. Just…nothing. I’m actually not too bothered! No idea what that actually says about the current state of my mind, but there it is. I am basically “business as usual”.

Like that song…I guess..what ever will be will be?

Hopefully my next post will be a little more inspiring or at least a little less depressing😉

Date: 16 December 2011

Date : 16th December 2011.

This is a whiny post, but it’s what I’m going through. Thought I’d put a warning here just in case.

I’m afraid. I’m feeling dejected. I’m feeling empty.Sometimes, like about 2 days ago, my brain felt like it was frozen in time, a completely non functioning dud sitting in my cranium. Even my mind that’s usually snarky couldn’t think of anything snarky to comment.

I started back on my journey with some feeling of excitement. When I had decided to go back to finding my way back to me, I felt suddenly calm. My heart stopped feeling panicky. My inner voice relaxed and I was suddenly plunged into this calming thought that this was right.

Closing in on the 2 month mark, I suddenly feel like I’m preparing for a huge pity party, starring and only invited guest – Me.

I’m suddenly unsure. I’m suddenly afraid. I have this long list of things that I’m afraid of.

I’m afraid that my intentions or motivations to participate in this journey is all wrong. That the true intent is not self growth but self-gratification. The feeding of my ego.

I’m afraid that I’m going to continue this life time just like a lost ship. Just floating away, sometimes being tossed about and sometimes just sitting still…not moving, not progressing, just moving in circles…lost.

I’m afraid that I won’t feel anything. That I won’t see the lessons, that I won’t manage to apply what I am reading into my life because I wouldn’t know how to.

I’m afraid that I might not be “special” enough. Even typing that makes me wonder if I truly know what I’m doing, because doesn’t wanting to feel special something to do with self-gratification? Isn’t that part of my ego? My lower desires taking the reigns instead of letting go?

I feel dejected because when I read or hear about those that have made that connection to their guides, to God, to synchrocities in their life …I wonder, why can’t I make that connection. Where is it? Am I doing something wrong? Is something wrong with me?

I’ve been feeling so tired for the past few days, it’s even making my inner sloth worried. I don’t know why I’m tired..but I just am. All I want to do at some points in the day is sleep.

I’m confused too because just when I’m wrestling with all these feelings of inadequacy, I’m getting calls about opportunities for other positions – better positions, career wise. I recently got a call from the same executive search firm for the same position offered, and declined, by me a few months ago. They did mention they were desperate to find someone who could suit the role, so maybe it’s not so much “You’re still the best pick” as opposed to “There’s no one else so please help! Eeep!”

I felt a burst of excitement when I received all my books to help me on the “how to write” project. Now they are all arranged on the shelf and they will probably stay there till I don’t know when.

Sometimes I feel like I have put too much on my plate – as usual. It’s these thoughts that keep running through my mind: I have to do this, I need to do this, I shouldn’t be saying “need” and “have”, I need to calm down, I need to be patient, Just leave it and it (whatever “it” is) will come, what if it doesn’t? Am I going to fail at this too? Why can’t I *FEEL* anything? Is something wrong? I’m doing all this wrong. Just be patient….(it goes on..tirelessly sometimes)

Then, if that isn’t enough, I get little bursts of panicked thoughts about my paying job. “I need to get this done! I don’t feel like working, I just wanna go home *insert a petulant pout here*, why hasn’t that man called about that job yet? what if it’s a lost opportunity!…(this goes on not as tirelessly as the above, in shorter spurts)

After that it’s back to some quiet time as I tell myself to just stop jabbering like an idiot and be calm. This is when Miss “You’re not special enough” waddles in and tries to get her 2 cents worth of time. It’s that irritating dejected feeling. It’s irritating because dejection comes with her…and she views everything that everyone does through the eyes of “They are so much better than you”, “You aren’t special *sob*”. Previously, I’d have just let her prattle on, pulling me down into this dark hole she crawled out from, but now I just tell her to stuff it and she does…sort of. Perseverance is a virtue that she has and I wish I did too.

I get angry too. Angry at myself, angry at stupid Malaysian drivers that have developed an art of cutting lanes and causing traffic jams, angry at the Universe for making this so confusing for me and then I come back being angry with myself.

Did I mention that I’m confused too? Well I am.  Doors that I thought are opening for me, seem to fizzle out. Instead other opportunities come by that are directly in the opposite direction that I thought I was going. I get excited about that..and it seems to fizzle out too, and I feel like I’m left with nothing.

I’m reading this book and it says that one way we receive Spiritual guidance is through dreams. In fact, in mentions that it can be an infallible method. Just ask your question and see what comes up in your dreams. Well….I got nothing. Or even if I did, I wake up with snatches of a dream that has too many holes to make any sort of story or sense to it.

This book also says (and keeps saying it again and again, too many times isn’t enough), that it’s the intention in us that dictates what we get. If intentions are true, the guidance is there. (And this is where you can just scroll up and re read everything that I have said till this point…and repeat)

Then I remember a nugget of information while reading Miracles (by Stuart Wilde) – He mentions that you also have to be clear about your intent ( you know, if I come across the word “intent” one more time today, I will honestly scream) to the Universe. You can’t be wishy washy about your request to the Universe. It has to be clear, it has to be precise. So, now I feel maybe I’m not being precise enough, maybe everything feels confusing because I am confused…and the reason why I am confused is because everything seems to be confusing..did I also mention “feeling like a lost ship” ?

Jealous. I’m ashamed to say it, but I do. When the green monster raises its ugly head, I try arguing with it. It’s not right to feel that way. It’s not my time yet…this is not for me…he concedes and leaves me instead with Ms I’m not special enough.

Right now, my mind is running at bullet speed, and nothing is positive. Even when it is, it’s a tiny little voice trying to be heard. You know those Christmas lights that get tangled up and you keep trying to untangle it only to get it more tangled until at some point you just want to rip the whole thing apart? Yea..that’s how I’m feeling right now.

The wonderful thing about all this? It’s giving me a headache.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Throwing my hands in the air and saying ” Whatever”…but at the same time, I’ve decided I’ll just trudge on. Just keep going, shedding off more of the expectations that I’ve piled on myself, tumbling, falling, getting up and just moving….sometimes with feeling, sometimes without….

Most times, at this juncture…I just have no freaking clue what I’m doing and the fear that I’m just wasting my time is there simmering…just below the surface of it all.

PS: If you noticed at the very beginning of this post, I’ve typed this out on the 16th of December..which means that yes, I’m back to scheduling my posts😉

Date: 13 December 2011

Date: 13th December 2011

I was looking for something that would tie the spiritual journey to discipline. I Googled here and I Googled there. I scrolled up and down web pages. I gave up and went back to reading some more awesome quotes by Khalil Gibran when I chanced upon this:

“Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken you can but toss and drift,
or else be held at a stand still in mid-seas.
– Khalil Gibran, Il Profeta

When I decided to finally listen to what my heart and soul were telling me (though to be honest, at the time when I finally relented and listened, they were about to take a few hefty bricks and hurl it at my poor self) I made a promise. I promised that this journey will now be on some very new terms. This meant that I would not be pressured by expectations that were beyond my time and my current level of consciousness. I would go with the flow. No comparing where I was in relation to where others in the same journey were. No ridiculous imaginings of waving my hand and conjuring even a cup of tea and definitely no expectations of having coffee with the Archangels within the first week of re-starting my journey.

This time, I would meditate when I felt like it. This time, I was going to get into this WordPress blog of mine and with a smile, delete that “Post a day challenge” button I had plastered on my blog. This time, I was not going to force anything. I would let it come to me, as and when it was time.

I made this decision and promise about a month and a half ago. I (sort of) weaned myself off the hours (and I mean HOURS) spent in front of the laptop in this social network 3-D chat thingy (yes, it would have been easier to just give you the name of this thing, but..I have my reasons), I logged back on to this poor blog of mine, dusted off the cobwebs and posted my first post after more than 5 months and;I started meditating and reading.
 Well…I’ve encountered a tiny problem. The fact is, my inner sloth has been quite active making me a little more than usual slothy at times. In fact, I might go so far as to say that this “going with the flow” thing won’t cut it if you have an inner sloth.
 If taken with an attitude that one can learn from everyday experiences, then I have learnt that being on a spiritual journey, on this path of self discovery, of learning to centre oneself is a lot harder than verbalizing “spiritual journey”. Yes, it is important to “go with the flow”. These things do not happen when you force it. There is always the right time, when a person is ready to accept the next lesson, and the lesson or teacher will appear before the student. At the same time, as everything in life , there is moderation, there is balance. The balance here involves taking it easy with discipline.
It’s quite fine to say that “I’m taking it easy” and just wander about like a lost ship out at sea. No sails up, rudder not working, no compass and just a general feeling of where the path lies. Like the quote says, that reason and passion need to work together, well so does “going with the flow” and discipline.
 I figured I need to learn discipline. To cultivate the structure that discipline brings with it. To not make it too rigid and to allow myself to grow and learn, it should then be tempered with patience. Patience is not the same thing as ” Oh..not tonight. I have a headache. I’ll just be patient and meditate / read / write when I feel like it, when I am inspired to do so”, because that to me is just an excuse to run away from the actual work of participating in this journey.
So..after one and a half months of “going with the flow” sloth style, my next step is to include a little discipline in this journey of mine. To know when to take hold of the reigns and when to let it loose.
I figure if nothing else, I’ll cultivate a positive habit😉

“Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken you can but toss and drift,
or else be held at a stand still in mid-seas.
For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining;
and a passion unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.
Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;
and let it direct your passion with reason,
that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection,
and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.”
– Khalil Gibran, Il Profeta

Date: 7 December 2011

Date: 7th December 2011

Spirituality is something that I’ve always been interested in. I called it a whole load of other things such as religion, the occult, the world of psychic and magic; and karma. Now I sort of know better and just use the blanket term of spirituality which in my definition means anything to do with the spirit or soul. It’s the journey that we take as souls to evolve into brighter light and to become closer to the Source or God. Wikipedia might have a better write up on it, so feel free to click the linked words😉

Somehow, I feel we are all in search of something. It’s just that “the something” for us all, though in its very foundation is the same thing, is perceived by us in a variety of ways. I’m still not sure what exactly that “something” is, but the more I read, think and learn about our soul journeys, the more I believe that it’s to transcend from what we are to our fullest potential – in the spirit or soul sense.  It’s not something that happens over night and it certainly isn’t something , that I feel, happens in a life time.  It happens over the many life times we live, each time with lessons that we need to learn.

So, I started on this spiritual journey about a year and 5 months ago. Boy, was I all excited and pumped to feel that finally, finally I was going to get all spiritual and psychic. Wave my hands and in Harry Potter style conjure up some fantastic mythical creature. I was aiming for a Unicorn, a magical dolphin or a dragon. I imagined glorious scenes of having wonderful, mind-boggling conversations with any one or two of the Archangels I wasn’t too choosy), as we sat on my bed  as I drank a cup of coffee and puffed on my cigarette. Walking through the mall, with my Spirit Guide in tow, whispering to each other and sharing a joke or two. Or hey, even travelling different dimensions and visiting ethereal beings, maybe  saying howdy to my other dimensional self.

Boy, was I so wrong!

Instead I went full steam ahead of about 3 months. Had a freaky experience somewhere in there. Completely stalled for about 6 months and because I finally could NOT take this horrible restless and uncomfortable feeling which developed  and progressively worsened, restarted my stalled engine and am back put-putting away, into where I’m not too sure.

Where I previously made myself meditate every single day, I started this part of my present journey by only meditating when I felt I could. If I was too tired, I didn’t. Where previously I forced my mind to imagine something…anything with a light hovering somewhere out there in space, this time I could actually feel myself looking and feeling inwards, inside me. Where previously I went and bought books upon books on anything that felt mythical and remotely spiritual just so I could stock my bookshelves with them , this time I…….well, some bad habits just won’t budge.

Here’s the thing though. I feel some change. I’ve been feeling this change since the beginning of this year, which I took as “I hate my job”, ” I can’t stand the place that I work at” and left it as a general dissatisfaction of life – my so called pre mid life crisis. I’ve come to realize though that the change was happening within me, and it wasn’t about the job, it wasn’t about the people I worked with, it wasn’t that I needed to go to the gym again….it was my soul telling me that it was time for me to go back on the journey.

This time, I’m also facing a new cross-road in my life. A decision that once I made up my mind about, suddenly opened doors for me that I didn’t think would be possible. However, there is also this thing about the mind and logic..and my once in a while sober mind keeps casting these evil little imps called doubts. What’s scary is that, when I started doubting myself, I found the doors starting to close, while I still am sitting on that imaginary rock with chin resting on fist trying to look like that Thinking Man.

Now, for the handful of you that are actually human and read my posts, don’t laugh. Or if you think you might, I’d advice you to not be eating, drinking or smoking anything as you read the next sentence. (I’ll give you some time to quickly swallow whatever it is that you’ve been munching or sipping on)

The decision that I am talking about is that I have decided that I want to write! Professionally. As in a writer for a magazine. Or a free lance writer. Writer of really short ,short fiction. Writing about spirituality ..stuff (hey, I’m still a newbie at this spirituality thing, so all I can say right now about it is..stuff)

So that’s what I’ve decided to do. I decided one fine warm humid yucky afternoon as I was having my after lunch cigarette that I needed to get back on my spiritual journey and to do something about the thing that I love to do, which is to write. The spiritual journey? That’s a no brainer. I’m back on it. The writing though, that’s where the doors started opening as soon as I said it to myself. That’s the one, when I started doubting, I felt the doors closing. That’s the one that I’m doing the “Thinking Man” about.

I’m still plunging ahead though, doing what I do best. Ordering books on writing. It’s all at once terrifying and amazing to see how a mind that just knows something about the general path it wants to take does things. I have ordered books on grammar, on how to write creative non fiction, how to do book reviews, how to write creative fiction…..oh and how to write articles for magazines as well.

As I leave you with that terrible imagery, here’s the thing I’m slowly figuring out. I’m figuring out that it’s okay. That’s why it’s called a journey and that is why it’s called learning. I just know that when you decide what you truly want to do, what will make you simply happy..the path will open for you as you take that first step. It will become clearer as you keep walking, and as you tumble and fumble along.

I’ll end this with a few quotes:

The longest journey
Is the journey inwards
Of him who has chosen his destiny. Dag Hammarskjold

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Pierre Teilhard De Chardin, in The Phenomenon of Man

Moving ahead…

Hellos!

So, for those of you who follow and/or visit the blog (not the same thing sometimes😉 ), you may have noticed a little change. I took the leap and registered this site as a .com, so the web address is now anitashree.com . I did this about a week ago, I think. I’m not too sure, and I’m a little lazy to check my email to see exactly when I did..ha! Some things don’t change. I also registered another blog quite some time ago and named that mainlycoloursandmandalas .

Continue reading “Moving ahead…”

My “you-ness”

magnificent-challenge-badgeA long over due post, a challenge posted by Linda from litebeing.com, “to celebrate our unique essence and energy, and to embrace our inner god and goddess”. It is called “Celebrate Your Magnificence Challenge”. I came across this blog challenge more than a month ago, 43 days ago to be exact. It was my first day back from an almost 3 year-long hiatus away from WordPress, and Linda’s blog was one of the first few I had visited, and this was the post I plonked on.

Continue reading “My “you-ness””

Mystery unraveled

mysteryblogdoneBlog awards by bloggers on WordPress is a “thing”. It’s fun, it allows for people to expand their circle of blogs to visit, it can help form friendships or at the very least a passing connection, it can get a little ridiculous and for some it can get a little tiresome.

For me, I enjoy getting these awards because it helps me with putting up a blog post on things that I wouldn’t have thought of and it has also introduced me to some awesome bloggers.

Continue reading “Mystery unraveled”