One of the more important questions in life, if not the most for some is “Where is the joy in my life?” Sometimes the way the “joy question” is put can vary; “Do I enjoy what I do?”, “Does what I do bring me joy?”, “WHAT is it that brings me joy??”, “Why do I feel this void within me?” and so on and so forth.
The question of “What is it that brings me joy?” and the quest for the answer has been in the forefront of my mind for some time now and it was only very recently, maybe a week or so ago that it suddenly dawned on me! I might be going about this quest from the wrong angle!!
To not generalize this I’m going to go with my own experiences and the feeling that’s within me about this matter.
The questioning begins
Sitting here typing this post, I contemplate who I was 10 years ago, then 6 years ago and finally today I realize something very significant. The thing is I feel like I am just beginning to wake up from a deep, deep slumber.
Ten years ago the word joy only came to mind during Christmas. At that time just snatching occasional “happy times” was the way things went. It was a time of materialistic things. It was buying hordes of skincare products to get this flawless, matte complexion brought about by looking at perfectly air brushed faces in the magazines, it was about going on a search for a diet that would make me slim, it was about drinking to get drunk, it was about worrying what others thought about me. It was that and a lot of other things which accumulated into 2 years of depression.
Seven years ago, I finally took the hint and walked out on my marriage – to safe myself and to safe my ex-husband’s life too. It was then a time of worrying about the bills, about fitting into a new experience of being a single working woman, it was about escaping the pan and landing into another pan when I entered a toxic friendship which was draining me. It was the same thing, repeating itself, just in a different form. It was also the time for me to truly come out from my depression and to start the process of slowly releasing the idea that I had to be needed to be worth anything.
Four years ago it was the start of waking up. It was the start of the subtle rumblings within me which would lead to a crescendo, a major self-quake that led me to first rise up from the unconscious depth into the faint light of consciousness. It was a time of making a major decision in my life. It was the time that caused me to do a 180 degree turn with regards to my work, the way I was living and finally the question of what it was that I really wanted to do.
It’s taken me four years and it is still a phase of questioning, light bulb moments, realizations and putting into tentative actions.
What do I want in life? What brings me joy?What would I love to do, everyday with passion and joy?
Where is all the reading I’m doing about life, the Universe, God and such taking me to? What, what, what??
Along with those questions come the Why’s and the When’s. Why can’t I communicate with crystals the way some are able to? Why can’t I seem to read the cards the way some can? When will I stop comparing myself to others and REALIZE that this journey of mine is truly unique to my soul purpose? When will I find my joy? When will I know that I’m there? When will I realize that there *is* no there?!?
You see, the questioning has started, and just as one who has slept for a long, long time when we wake up, we stumble along getting used to the muscles that we haven’t used for a long time. We need the time to rub the sleep from our eyes. We need to yawn and stretch and take a deep breath and shake the cobwebs of sleep from our hearts and minds. So though I honestly still do mental face-palms at myself at times, as I go from one extreme to another, from one knowing to another without taking the time to fully realize things before I’m swinging again, I’m glad that at least I have started with the questions.
Because how many of us go through life without questioning where is our joy? How many of us are still sleepwalking in life?
The quest begins
The quest for the answers to the questions will only begin if you allow it to because it’s so easy to sometimes push it away and continue to snooze. But the thing is, I feel there will come a point in time when we won’t be able to push them away anymore! It gets too loud, it starts manifesting in our health as dis-ease, in our relationships – in our world.
So I too started on my quest to find my joy. And I don’t think anyone could say that I didn’t try hard enough, because I tried very, very hard. I looked and I searched. I did this and did that. I started this and that and a lot of other things looking high and low for my passion, my joy. I meditated, I asked God, I cried, I pouted, I stamped my foot, I prayed some more beseeching God, the Universe, the angels, my spirit guides and even my animal guides to PLEASE help me FIND MY JOY!!!!
At some points I thought I had it! It was there! In my grasp! Oh happy happy JOY! I finally found you! ….
Alas it was not to be so. It wasn’t the writing, it wasn’t the blogging, it wasn’t the art, it wasn’t the reading, it wasn’t the classes and workshops…….I was stumped.
Continue on to page 2 for the answer!