When we forget (Part 1)

Another wondering post, a post to serve as a reminder to me and strangely enough these thoughts joined another thought (which has been posted) all while watching a staff at a restaurant cleaning the legs of a chair.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.
Pondering the meaning of life, for sure. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I was an intern in a District hospital I had the opportunity to work with a few different specialists. There was the one who allowed me to enjoy the work I was doing and then I had a few who made me cringe at the thought of going to work.

I always wondered if these specialists going around with an air of great importance and arrogance (it wasn’t confidence…confidence doesn’t reek with self importance, arrogance to me does) thought they were born as specialists. You know…instead of that first wail a baby produces, they just slipped out and started diagnosing the obstetrician. I understood that as interns we needed that tough year to produce tough skinned doctors who knew what we were doing but at the same time there was this pervading sense of being told in words and other methods that we were slightly below idiots and deserved to be treated that way. Fifteen years ago I wondered, and to this day I still wonder, did they completely forget what it was like to be that young and scared, starting out a profession where you literally had a persons life in your hands?

When I started on this new path of self discovery and awakening these thoughts crept back in. I read books by well known authors, I talked to people who had apparent gifts and those who apparently have “gotten it”; and they made it seem like it was a given. There is to this day only one author who makes me feel she remembers how it is to be “normal”, the rest left me with this sense of…feeling lost. And I wondered…do they remember how it was “before”?

Just trust, just go with the flow, just believe, just be aware, just this and just that…was it always so easy for them that this journey was a mere “just”? If it wasn’t,  have they forgotten the struggles with the self doubts? With the sense of abandonment? With this fear of not measuring up? With wondering how does one let go?

And you know what else? I’ve seen this in me too. With my interaction with patients. I’m ashamed to say it but I will. I too have acted with impatience towards these people who come to see me for their ailments thinking “What? Why do you need me to tell you this?! It’s so obvious?!” Is that fair? No. It hasn’t been fair of me to think that, and it will never be fair of me to  think that anymore because what may seem like common knowledge may not be at all! You see, I had forgotten what it’s like to be a non medical person.

Life though always seeks balance and this past year having gone back to practice Life is making me understand that I’ve forgotten. That I’ve taken on the airs of those self important specialists which I swore I’d never do. Ah..never say never..see? 😉 It may be appalling to some of you reading this, it may not be but this only dawned on me some weeks ago. How and why did it just dawn on me is a whole other story but the fact was that it finally did and that changed my perspective. It made me go “Oh crap!” and then feel ashamed.

It’s only now as I am giving “voice” to this, I realise that Life has been giving me so many hints, but I didn’t pay attention to it because I was only thinking of how it affected ME, not how I was also doing the same thing in a different way! Now, I would like to think I know better…this as a wise Zen master said ” We’ll see”.

I also want to say what I write in this blog, all these thoughtful and thought provoking (well I hope they are..hehe) posts, it doesn’t mean I’ve got it. I seriously don’t think I will ever “get it” and you know what? I’m glad about that. I’m glad I won’t ever feel that because that just would mean that I really didn’t get anything at all. It would mean that I have forgotten how it was and how it is.

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23 thoughts on “When we forget (Part 1)

  1. What you say is quite interesting, and probably applies to most people one way or another. Often once we know something or learn something, we forget what it was like before. And sometimes when we finally figure something out, we can’t believe that we didn’t realize that before. I suppose we are always dumb for not knowing, and we are always leaning to try to know more.

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    1. No, no I don’t think we are dumb for not knowing…no. I feel it’s not something to be judgmental about…it may just be a sign that we are open to learning more, that we have the humility to realise we don’t know everything and won’t actually know everything 🙂 It’s only when someone feels that they have nothing more to learn that is the danger…you know?

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  2. I can identify with what you say.

    While training to be a mechanic, I paid my way through polytechnic by working as a labourer cleaning toilets. Many years later, when I entered the executive suites, I brought along my mechanic’s toolbox as a reminder to retain humility. I made my first million 25 years ago and am comfortable now but still have the red fully kitted toolbox. Everytime I feel that I’ve behaved arrogantly, I open the drawers of the toolbox, handle the tools and bring myself crashing back to earth.

    You right – we don’t really “get it” – many times we think we have but then a new day dawns and —

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    1. Hey Eric! Thank you for dropping by and commenting 🙂
      Thank you too for sharing your story…I loved it!

      The thing which is great is that you are aware when or if you have behaved arrogantly…it a way it shows , to me. that you aren’t one!! Sometimes it does help to have something tangible we can go back to just to remind us…it’s harder when there isn’t anything to actually go back to.
      I’m taking this post as a reminder to me 😉

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  3. I understand. This is something I struggle with, forgetting what it’s like. People have always considered me smart and I have always had a thirst for knowledge, so I know a lot of things, and sometimes I forget that other people don’t know things that I consider to be simple things. It’s hard to find that balance. And I know that by no means do I understand or get it all, I just know what works for me.

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    1. Yup…it comes back to balance again Melissa. And that’s what I’ve slowly come to understand, that it’s always about balancing…

      I think when we are aware of it then it’s a great start because it allows us to stop, think and then proceed.

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  4. I sense your frustration when you say that it’s hard to read:

    “Just trust, just go with the flow, just believe, just be aware, just this and just that…was it always so easy for them that this journey was a mere “just”? If it wasn’t, have they forgotten the struggles with the self doubts? With the sense of abandonment? With this fear of not measuring up? With wondering how does one let go?”

    But when you’re talking about an inner journey, I think that choice of language makes sense ~ it is not their job to teach others what they learned by looking within. We must stop what we are doing and look within and LISTEN.

    “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” ~ The Buddha

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    1. You’re right Nancy. There was a lot of frustration and dejection too in the beginning. I’m gad to say, not so much now.
      I think it’s safe to say that we all know that the path to awareness and remembering who we truly are in an individual journey, that no one can actually tell us what to do or how to do it because everyone’s experience will be different. The thing is that in the beginning we are unsure..and when we look to others for help it just feels like everyone seems to know…but we don’t. It’s a process for sure and not only do we need to re learn a lot of things but we also need to get away from all that stuff about seeing an outcome or having a plan or any and all of those things modernism and progress has taught us is THE way..you know?

      I wrote this and tomorrows post in part to reassure myself if I ever reach another one of those points in my life or just to remind myself to not forget, also I hope that if someone else who is just starting out comes across this post, it will let them know it’s okay to feel the frustration…it’s part of the journey, that in time this too shall pass 🙂

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  5. It’s a constant series of adjustments, isn’t it? Every time I think I have it all figured out, I find myself making mistakes I thought I had already overcome, both in work skills and in thought patterns. Then it’s back to the drawing board to try, try again. At least it keeps me humble… 😉

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    1. Yup…and sometimes I feel its not exactly the same mistakes…because as we learn we move “up the ladder” or “deeper within” so…it’s like the same sort of dynamics but the way we approach it may be different?

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  6. Definitely thought provoking, as always Shree you make my grey cells shudder and ‘work’ for a change. 🙂 You explain yourself magnificently and as a patient I’ve been on the receiving end of more than a few ‘officious’ stares from doctors and nurses too. AS you point out, everyone starts from the ‘unknowing’ point and it’s good to remember this from time to time, a kind of grounding moment. Off to read part two. hugs aplenty xxx

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    1. Hahaha! Did your grey cells miss that? 😛 Thank you for your thoughts and for saying that I explain myself well 😀 That was awesome to hear. I hope I don’t do that officious stare thing…that wouldn’t have been nice of me, but you know…my face…sometimes I can’t hide what I feel…oops

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  7. The most important thing is this Shree, is that you are seeing the ‘Signs’ now and thats the most important thing… Often we don’t look in at ourselves from the outside.. as we can all at times get caught up within the I of ME… and thats no shame either.. For we are Human, and its a human trait.. Part of our learning to find the I AM,
    So be proud of those you help and remember there is no right or wrong way in this world,, We each are learning with the tools at our means, So be proud of those who you help and try not to be too hard upon yourself… 🙂
    Much Love xoxox

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  8. Oh, those days of internship. Did it feel like an initiation? I don’t think I’d call it that extreme. But, I too can relate. The dream teams always appeared so seasoned and jaded. We newbies stood out like buoys near a shoreline. But those times were golden too.

    I’m sure there’s a little voice in the back of your hear that whispers naggingly if you ever went out of line.

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