Another wondering post, a post to serve as a reminder to me and strangely enough these thoughts joined another thought (which has been posted) all while watching a staff at a restaurant cleaning the legs of a chair.
When I was an intern in a District hospital I had the opportunity to work with a few different specialists. There was the one who allowed me to enjoy the work I was doing and then I had a few who made me cringe at the thought of going to work.
I always wondered if these specialists going around with an air of great importance and arrogance (it wasn’t confidence…confidence doesn’t reek with self importance, arrogance to me does) thought they were born as specialists. You know…instead of that first wail a baby produces, they just slipped out and started diagnosing the obstetrician. I understood that as interns we needed that tough year to produce tough skinned doctors who knew what we were doing but at the same time there was this pervading sense of being told in words and other methods that we were slightly below idiots and deserved to be treated that way. Fifteen years ago I wondered, and to this day I still wonder, did they completely forget what it was like to be that young and scared, starting out a profession where you literally had a persons life in your hands?
When I started on this new path of self discovery and awakening these thoughts crept back in. I read books by well known authors, I talked to people who had apparent gifts and those who apparently have “gotten it”; and they made it seem like it was a given. There is to this day only one author who makes me feel she remembers how it is to be “normal”, the rest left me with this sense of…feeling lost. And I wondered…do they remember how it was “before”?
Just trust, just go with the flow, just believe, just be aware, just this and just that…was it always so easy for them that this journey was a mere “just”? If it wasn’t, have they forgotten the struggles with the self doubts? With the sense of abandonment? With this fear of not measuring up? With wondering how does one let go?
And you know what else? I’ve seen this in me too. With my interaction with patients. I’m ashamed to say it but I will. I too have acted with impatience towards these people who come to see me for their ailments thinking “What? Why do you need me to tell you this?! It’s so obvious?!” Is that fair? No. It hasn’t been fair of me to think that, and it will never be fair of me to think that anymore because what may seem like common knowledge may not be at all! You see, I had forgotten what it’s like to be a non medical person.
Life though always seeks balance and this past year having gone back to practice Life is making me understand that I’ve forgotten. That I’ve taken on the airs of those self important specialists which I swore I’d never do. Ah..never say never..see? 😉 It may be appalling to some of you reading this, it may not be but this only dawned on me some weeks ago. How and why did it just dawn on me is a whole other story but the fact was that it finally did and that changed my perspective. It made me go “Oh crap!” and then feel ashamed.
It’s only now as I am giving “voice” to this, I realise that Life has been giving me so many hints, but I didn’t pay attention to it because I was only thinking of how it affected ME, not how I was also doing the same thing in a different way! Now, I would like to think I know better…this as a wise Zen master said ” We’ll see”.
I also want to say what I write in this blog, all these thoughtful and thought provoking (well I hope they are..hehe) posts, it doesn’t mean I’ve got it. I seriously don’t think I will ever “get it” and you know what? I’m glad about that. I’m glad I won’t ever feel that because that just would mean that I really didn’t get anything at all. It would mean that I have forgotten how it was and how it is.
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