My awakening experience and moving forwards.

The Tower card from tarot decks usually signify an event or time in one’s life when the Universe and their life stream / soul / Spirit decide it’s time for the individual to wake up. It may present itself as a traumatic event or a time in  when everything  seems to be falling apart. I also believe that it can present itself as an inner turmoil – like thunder rumbling within the darkened sky heralding a major storm, like the turbulent sea in the midst of such a storm, with strong winds forming huge crashing waves as we grip the edge of the little row boat we seem to find ourselves in.  And, I think that is when we come to certain major cross-roads in our journey, a place where we decide which way we are going to go – sometimes consciously but before that mostly unconsciously. Most times we aren’t sure what we are doing, we’re scared, confused and we stumble along in blind panic trying our best to talk ourselves back into some semblance of calm. Sometimes, there is a voice within us that feels like the glow from a candle still alight even with the raging storm all around us, nudging us towards a certain choice or action. Either way, these times in our lives give us the opportunities to do what can’t not be done. The choice though is always ours.

This is my story.

The very first major experience that I had which I can recall wasn’t too long ago – in the grand scheme of things anyway. It was about 10 years ago, in a marriage that wasn’t working out too well, I fell into some sort of clinical depression. The reason why I say “some sort” is because I didn’t see anyone about it. What I did have involved “starting” my day going to work in the morning, coming home at five in the evening, crashing into bed till 10, staying awake the whole night till it was time to get to work either aimlessly surfing the net to escape reality or listening to music while getting lost in a fantasy world, smoking a lot more than was normal, when eating junk food instead of actual meals seemed easier, when taking a shower seemed like a major undertaking and therefore going days without one and actually feeling your heart shrivel up like a dried up prune. It was easier to not talk to the man I had married, in fact it felt peaceful. It was easier not talking to anyone because it took more energy than I could spare AND when you spend eight to nine hours a day talking to patients you just don’t have it in you to talk anymore, or that’s what I told myself. If I had to describe the two years in once sentence it would be that it felt like I was living in a thick, mucoid fog, feeling the core of myself shriveling up.

In April of 2006 I left. I had to. I couldn’t not leave. It was for both our sakes. I stumbled along the path I chose. It felt as if a horrible weight had lifted off my chest and being; and the times when I wondered if it had been the right choice, my palpitating heart and quickened respiration told me otherwise. It was liberating and at the same time it felt like I was still groping around in the dark. Looking back now, I feel it was like being born again. It was an opportunity of getting used to living life in the material sense – relearning how to forge friendships, being responsible for the daily things we do, becoming financially responsible, and at the same time it should have been a time for healing. How did I do? Well, that’s the thing isn’t it. When we aren’t really sure or aware of what’s going on within and around us, not truly aware, we sort of grope around in the dark, bumping into things, tripping over things, falling down, getting up and just…moving until at one point we fall back into a rut because we just don’t know any better. That is just what I did!

Source: http://www.1st-art-gallery.com/Johanna-Kirsch/Deep-Slumber.html

Fast forward to 2010 and Life nudged me along towards an open door. It wasn’t one that was fully ajar, I don’t think it happens that way. I feel it opens, maybe half way allowing us a peek at what lies behind the door, an idea of what it is offering and then waits to see if we choose to open it wider and walk through. That’s free will. I had my first Tarot card reading and suddenly I had (again, I feel it was more an unconscious choice going along with the flow of Life rather than a conscious one) walked into and onto people and opportunities which allowed to rekindle the interest I had in all things spiritual. You see, I had always harboured strong feelings towards this, this which I used to call “the occult and religion”. I loved listening to stories about other religions, spiritual teachings, the occult, life’s mysteries and the like. I had even bought a Tarot deck a long time ago but for some reason found it a little too complicated at that time. In 2010…I was ready. In 2010, I unknowingly made the choice to follow the path which would  then take me to  that point in time when I would finally awaken from the deep, deep slumber I was in. To finally open my eyes groggily at first and then with more clarity to actually start seeing with an awakened sense of awareness.

Some people who awaken have very drastic shifts, some like me sort of gently flow into it. Some people have sudden, awesome experiences while some like me seem to gather things gently. Some seem to blaze through once they’ve had an experience which awakens them to themselves and some like myself seem to have these “start- stop” phases intertwined with “plateaus” and then what seems like a “downward spill”. The thing is, I have learned that it really doesn’t matter because the over all effect is that once you choose to wake up and have successfully (and might I add a little stubbornly) rubbed the sleep from your eyes, once you’ve chosen to reach that tipping point of being more awake than asleep…it’s all systems go! The type of systems may be different for each person but at some point you will notice that you can’t not be unaware anymore. Sure, at times it takes conscious effort, but the sum total of your experiences will be awareness.

In 2012 there was another shift which happened. It’s as if my soul didn’t allow me to be at peace until I did something drastic.

Source: http://www.redbubble.com

In 2010, I was working in the corporate world as a Medical Manager for a Pharmaceutical company. The pay was good, the people I worked with were nice and I enjoyed some parts of my job…enough to allow me to go to work every day until at one point in time when I felt something wasn’t right. I didn’t seem to want to go to work anymore. I felt restless and uncomfortable; and the more I felt it the more I thought it was due to the change in the internal environment at work. I attributed it to everything else but a change in me. You see I didn’t sit in silence and contemplate this feeling. Instead I panicked, pulled by the tide of “I must get out of here!!” and that is what I did. Two years later, I looked for another job and agreed to the first opportunity that came to me. Within 3 months of joining the new company (also as a Medical Manager) , the feeling of being trapped came back …with a bigger bang. In my own way, I think this was when I sat down – maybe not so much in silence as being a little more quiet- and contemplated about why I was feeling this. As the months passed I must have listened to the voice in me and the more I listened the more it became apparent that I needed to do something that I wouldn’t have thought of doing normally. What came out of this was that I left my job. I couldn’t not leave my job because that wasn’t an option…well it was but then I’d have to live a very uncomfortable life if I had chosen to stay.

In September of 2012, I made a choice, this time a more conscious choice to leave the corporate world and go back to practicing medicine on a part time basis even if it meant a significant pay cut. It was a conscious choice to give myself the time and the opportunity to take a journey within myself, to explore new ventures in writing and art and to see what happened as life unfolded.

 

It has been a year and 4 months now since that time and I am grateful that I made the choice. It worked for me. I am being given opportunities to write, to discover my ability in creating mandala, to face a lot of my fears, to experience and realize – to live a life of awareness. Does this mean that I’m blazing through life with everything falling into place just as I envisioned it?

No! BUT what it means is that I don’t stumble as often as I used to and when I do stumble it’s because of my fears and my stubborn mind. It means that I’m discovering things even when I do stumble and that it isn’t so much of a hassle anymore but an opportunity. It means that at times things are as it always was but how I see it is different because it’s perceived differently. It means that I take the conscious effort to question myself or a challenging situation when it presents itself. It means that I had to slowly learn to not be too hard on myself when I do slip. It means feeling disappointed, frustrated and at times wanting to just give everything up and go back to that deep slumber and yet taking the time to breathe and to embrace even this as an opportunity to shine. It means giving up on the idea of comparing my “progress” with the next person’s because that just is not possible – at all. There is no comparison and if you have come from a background where that has always been an issue, it’s one of the hardest things to overcome. It can be, because I’m half way up that wall. Sometimes, I slide then I catch myself before I slip right down, because you see…being awakened and going along this journey of choice into awareness IS that.

It IS to catch yourself before you slip back into unconsciousness. It IS to catch yourself by pausing, breathing, reflecting, centering yourself to your truth and getting back into the flow of things from a place that is calmer.

My journey continues and though it is far from “perfect”, it is as perfect as it should be for me…and as it is for each every one of us. No one gets left behind and that is something which can’t be negotiated.

*******************

Wow..long post! I’m actually glad that I didn’t get to post anything the last Sunday, there’s always a reason why, huh? 😉

This post is part of Barbara’s (from Me, My Magnificent Self) challenge for the month of January 2014. Each blogger participating have chosen a day to write about their experience of awakening.

Please click the below link to see what the challenge is about in more detail AND please click the links below to read the other wonderful experiences too 🙂

The Challenge

The participating blogs:

1st     Barbara  – http://memymagnificentself.wordpress.com
2nd    Paddy    – http://paddypicasso.wordpress.com
3rd     Emanuel- http://emantable.com/musings-of-a-table/

4th
5th
6th     Julianne – http://juliannevictoria.com
7th     Sarah     – http://theskycladwriter.wordpress.com
8th     Shree     – https://heartsongsblog.wordpress.com
9th     Dace      – http://mywaytotruth.wordpress.com
10th   Korinn    – http://www.korinn.com
11th   Sindy     – http://bluebutterfliesandme.wordpress.com
12th   Stefanie – http://dancingwithstefanie.com
13th   Mick      – http://meticulousmick.wordpress.com
14th   Joss      – http://ccwow.wordpress.com
15th   Megan   – http://mychroniclifejourney.wordpress.com
16th   Pat         – http://patinspire.org
17th   Marga    – http://lifeasimprov.com
18th   Kimberley – http://kimberlyharding.wordpress.com
19th   Becki        – http://isurvivedamurderattackmyfamilydidnt.com
20th   Serena      – http://beingmefromatoz.com
21st   Heather     – http://wildflowerwomen.wordpress.com
22nd  PurpleRay – http://purplerays.wordpress.com
23rd    Sue          – http://suedreamwalker.wordpress.com
24th    M…          – http://seeingm.wordpress.com
25th    Brian G    – http://middlepane.com
26th    Dotta       – http://dottaraphels.wordpress.com
27th    CW          – http://sunflowerrosecw.wordpress.com
28th    Laurie       – http://lauriesnotes.wordpress.com
29th    Debra       – http://ptero9.com
30th    Linda        – http://lindalitebeing.wordpress.com
31th    Michael     – http://navigator1965.wordpress.com

If you’ve managed to read till the end, thank you!

35 thoughts on “My awakening experience and moving forwards.

  1. I’m sorry you had to go through a bad marriage and those other things, but sometimes you have to wonder if whether or not we have to go through such hardships to finally end up where we should be. There may not be an easier or more direct route for some of us. It’s good that you now feel much more at peace with yourself and your position in life.

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    1. Thanks Peter 🙂 I actually don’t feel bad now when I think about those times…in fact some of it has become a blur. I too believe that what we go through the good, the bad and the sometimes ugly is just a part of our journey..
      All our “past” is to bring us to where we are now…and I am grateful for each of them 🙂

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  2. I’m back now….
    There are points in everyone’s life where we are tested. Do we pay attention to our feelings or do we ” hide”? I know your journey has not been easy and I feel sad that you struggled with depression. Depression often lifts when we unshackle ourselves and express the raw emotions that were previously stuffed. I am impressed by your evolution and know we are all better off because you are more YOU now 🙂 I am excited to witness what you uncover about yourself next!

    big hugs,
    Linda

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    1. Aww..don’t feel sad. It was a tough time and I did sort of fall back into another rut when I came back home after leaving the marriage…BUT the thing is it worked out the way it was supposed to. I don’t look at these times with regret..it happened, it took me to where I am now…and for that I am grateful 🙂

      Thank you so much for saying those kind words to me…I truly appreciate that 😀

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    1. Thank you, Diane 🙂
      You know…I just told him I was taking a transfer out…back to my home city. We never talked about it at all. I just told him,told him my sister was coming to pick me up and then left….just like that. We hadn’t been talking for so long. It was a strange kind of separation actually.

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    1. Hehe…well…not to sure about being self aware those years leading up to 2012…sometimes I feel we are not so gently nudged when things get pretty critical…and then it depends whether we are stubborn or not…depends on what we choose. It took me three months or so to actually get the transfer out from where I was to back home…the application form was sitting on the dresser for so long that a thick film of dust had settled on it. It wasn’t even hard work! Just fill up the form and walk the few meters to the hospital office and hand it over to the clerk. But…oh…it felt like moving a mountain.

      Here’s to ALL our journeys!! 😀

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    1. Thank you, Andra for reading 🙂
      Yes..it is so difficult…but not impossible to come out of the ruts we dig ourselves into. It can be so comforting …however dark it gets, because we are just so familiar and at home in our little ruts. It’s not impossible to get out, but it can be messy…but a messiness well worth it 😀

      You know, I feel that we all would have at some points in our lives landed in such ruts. Each unique and perfectly suited for what we needs…and we all at some point or another would have climbed out of it, attempted to…and that makes us all awesome. We sometimes seriously underestimate the power we hold within us to rise above…don’t you think?

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  3. What a lovely awakening experience you have written Shree… and so glad you know it was all worth while and you feel at peace now… Like yourself I often wondered if I had just stayed with my first husband what would of happened… but I just couldn’t have done… I would of been living a lie…. similar to lots of parents in the generation above us and in some cultures and religions now… out of traditional and belief they stay together, asleep and endure… We are the brave ones Shree… and we are setting new standards for others to follow their own heart… no more sleeping but living your truth… Thank you so much for sharing… Barbara

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    1. Thank you, Barbara!
      Yes, I do feel at peace now though I will be honest and say there are times, not so often when I wonder if it was selfish of me to walk out on the marriage. The ex wasn’t a bad person and he wasn’t exactly mean to me either. It was instead a lot of things that I had to face, internally…and to be honest, I know I should have been honest and not actually married him! He was a good friend, but not someone I was in love with, I naively thought that could come during the marriage…coming from a community where arranged marriages wasn’t unusual.

      You are right though, if I had stayed, no matter how I see it, it would have been disastrous, and I would have felt like it was living a lie. And then there are times I wonder, maybe I needed to “grow up” and stuck with it…but these thoughts are far and few.

      Whatever has happened, there are no regrets. I am grateful for the experiences…because truly it has brought me to where I am right now, and that is perfect for my highest good.

      Thank you for reading and the comment 🙂

      Like

    1. Hello! Thank you for visiting, reading and commenting 🙂 I’ve never seen it as being courageous…it was just something that had to be done…from my side, you know?
      I’m glad to have gotten the feedback I have too…so thank you again!

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  4. Yeah sometimes those towers are a good thing, a bit rough but ultimately good. It is the challenge that propels us. You are so bright and shinny now. You are so courageous, not fearful at all. That is how I see you.

    ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬●
    . (¯*•๑۩۞۩:iN₣iNiŦ€ BL€§§iNG§:۩۞۩๑•*¯●▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬●

    Sindy

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    1. Thank you, Sindy!
      Hehe..I’m not as courageous..but I am more aware now of when I should be. Sometimes it comes a little late though..lol.
      The Tower card…and the other is the Death card..I like both cards now 😉

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  5. I think what I love best about your retelling is how often you listened to the signs of your body and heart, and followed. The times must have been hard (and I hope if you go through anything similar in the future, you’ll come to me to see if I can virtually hug anything away)– but the journey has so clearly been blessed. Your guardian angel, or the Goddess, or God, or the moon, or the universe— something is looking out for you and, more than that, you have been given the gift of being able hear your guardian. How fabulous is that?

    Love you much, Shree. I’m so glad we stumbled upon each other.

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    1. Aww..thank you Rara! Big squishy hug to you too!
      If I’m honest and step away from the “I’m not really worthy” part of me which is still hanging around, though not so much…I would agree too. That most of my life I’ve been blessed…actually..my whole life has been blessed and I have been protected.
      You know, we all are. We all are being looked out for…sometimes though it’s hard to see or feel it when we feel so overwhelmed with the drama that goes on within and outside us…
      Love ya too Ms Dinosaur 😉 and the feeling of gladness goes out from me to you too! 🙂

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  6. What amazes me still is how so many of us go through these phases and are given opportunities to change our pathway.. For me on one such opportunity I didnt pay heed and went through another 3 years of inner and Physical pain until at last I listened to the signs and went with the flow.. Once we do we see how things then slot into place..

    Reading through your post Shree you listened to your inner being.. Even though initially you were unaware of your calling, you recognised you needed to change your path.. So many people who keep getting the same lessons repeated in their lives are not learning and letting go and allowing themselves to move forward..

    You say you are not perfect none of us are Shree.. I am far far from perfect 🙂 … I always say if we were perfect we would not be here upon our Earth Journey learning the lessons we need to progress.. I think as we awaken we we see the faults in ourselves more, I know I chastise myself often and pull back my thoughts as I find myself being judgemental for instance.. I often re-check my thought process as I learn to alter my perceived perceptions that all too often we are guilty of making.. Awakening allows us to ‘See’ the wider picture as we become aware we are part of the Whole.. WE are ALL of us affecting each and everyone in the world… And the more I learn then I know if I alter my own way of being I then affect others .. We are part of a world which is starting to wake up to itself… and I for one Shree am loving the journey and especially meeting like minded and more awakened souls such as yourself..

    We are moving forward together… And each day is an awakening experience.. Thank you Shree for you wonderful account of your own journey to the point of Now.. 🙂 Love and Blessings Sue xox

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    1. Ah Sue! Thank you for reading and commenting. Yup…listening to our inner voice at times takes some effort..sifting through the fear and going back to the heart.
      ” So many people who keep getting the same lessons repeated in their lives are not learning and letting go and allowing themselves to move forward.. “…yes! Even I myself still am learning to keep listening…sometimes I can be stubborn 😛

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  7. What a journey!
    My joy is the outcome 🙂 , a happy, calmer and more gentle you 🙂

    I always say courage somehow finds the weary soul, and when she does, she completely takes over. The pathway was already laid down Shree, all you had to do was follow your heart and soon the head eventually joins you. It’s a moving journey, this life of ours; and as you move on still, never allow pity creep up on you. It has a way of confusing the mind and we find ourselves in a sea of emotional conflict.

    Leaving a marriage is never easy, but those who courage found and they did leave, must know that it was not your job or duty to secure the happiness of your spouse, that is an entirely different assignment. The security of our joy and happiness lies in none others but our very own hands. I’m glad you found yours 🙂

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  8. Wow I can totally relate to this post of your path. Yes we all need to listen to “the voice within us…nudging us towards a certain choice or action.”
    I find that when I ignore this inner voice through fear of change, bored complacency, and when I have stopped growing, that a good old eclipse usually kicks me right out the door and I am forced on to a new path whether I like it or not.
    I love your phrase…”the type of systems may be different for each person, but at some point you will notice that you can’t not be unaware any more.”
    So then we keep travelling and we keep growing. We see more clearly.
    I don’t see it as a bravery issue so much as listening and being true to our path, as you say.

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    1. Hi herongrace! Thank you for taking the time for reading and sharing your thoughts…which I totally agree with. I can’t see it as being brave too. It was something that I had to do…or if I didn’t I would have to choose living in uneasiness.
      It’s a learning curve..and it’s a journey…and sometimes we forget, sometimes we don’t…there will come a point when we don’t need to remind ourselves..it’ll just be.

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  9. Many of the experiences you had parallel my own ~> especially that “I cannot do THIS anymore” feeling which is almost impossible to ignore.

    And, when we listen, and take a leap of face . . . the net appears before we crash.

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    1. That feeling is really very hard to ignore…but it can be. I couldn’t because it was physically affecting me and I’m glad I didn’t ignore it!
      I tried it during meditation once…walked up to the edge of a very high cliff, looked down and felt my heart just contract with fear…breathed in deep for a few and then set the intention of letting go…and jumped. Felt myself falling but then landed on a beautiful soft cloud!
      For me, it’s a constant thing to remind myself to let go, to trust. One day I am going to suddenly be jolted with surprise when I realise I’ve done so without the reminder 🙂

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  10. You hit the spot for me Shree, in fact I was nodding most of the way through your sharing words. It’s amazing how we try to ignore the inside voice, thinking maybe if we just knuckle down and hide all will be well, only to find that we have to be true to our inner self. We cannot ignore our true feelings and be happy, we become miserable and disaffected by life, we lose the gift of joy within. As humans were able to have a choice, and without the right choice we fail to hum along with the Universe. I chose to run, I chose to run many times and suddenly it came to me one day, If you don’t stand and fight for what you really want, you lose everything. So, I chose, and I feel at peace within myself. Nothings perfect, but some things are just plain ‘wrong’ and hit a warning note, just like a bell, when it has an imperfection. I am so glad you came through, and as you say, it’s never over, for constantly we’re reminded by our feet of clay, for we all live to learn by our mistakes. for without learning we will never grow. hugs and much love to you xPenx

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    1. Hello Pen! *big hugs* Thank you for the comment 🙂
      Yes, it’s true. I’ve realized that I still am not fully truthful to myself and that feels disappointing but on the flip side I guess it’s a step in the right direction to acknowledge that I haven’t been exactly truthful. My sister and I talked about it…and I sat myself down and wrote down what it was that I wanted…or more accurately that I didn’t even know what I wanted, and that’s okay too.
      Sometimes I keep wondering, why so many starts and stops. Why is it so hard to just be honest with myself and why is it sometimes so hard to do what feels right…and I think it goes back to the fact that sometimes the things that feels right can feel uncomfortable?
      Nothing is perfect, I think so too. Nothing is as perfect as we think it should be. In fact, it’s in our perceived imperfections that we find our perfect selves, isn’t it?
      So many lessons, so much of clearing to do…so stubborn most times..hehe.
      One thing though…I’m glad to say that there is a little bit of an improvement now that is seen…if it really doesn’t feel good, I know it and I do my best to avoid it or at least know that whatever decision I make it *is* my choice.

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  11. “…at some point you will notice that you can’t not be unaware anymore…” isn’t that the truth? Once you are on that path, there is no way back. You just can’t..No matter how you might try, you see things, you feel things, and you just can’t ignore them anymore. They are in your face wherever you go or whatever you do.

    Once you just stop fighting and give in, you notice that going with the flow is the natural state to be in.

    thanks for sharing your story.

    Like

    1. Hello Dace 🙂
      Thank you for dropping by, reading and penning your thoughts here.
      I like this : “Once you just stop fighting and give in, you notice that going with the flow is the natural state to be in.”. Now just need to figure out how to stop fighting and resisting…hehe. Then again, maybe even that isn’t something to be figured out, maybe it’s just letting it be?
      As you can see…I tend to confuse not only others…but myself too! teehee.

      Like

  12. This post is a stunner. Could relate to it. Time and time again that feeling of being in a rut does hit me, hopefully all that clears out. Glad that you could figure out things for you. Glad I read this 🙂

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