Unkept promises, excuses vs honesty

I’ve been wondering about how and what to post for a couple of weeks now. I’ve been doing my notoriously favourite thing of shoving it out of my mind, on a shelf with the other things that I don’t seem to want to tackle. So now…

So now, I’ve made myself to sit in front of my laptop and start tapping the keys..forming words which will turn into sentences and hopefully a post that will make some sense.

On a side note, I don’t know about you, but even though I do enjoy writing (well, typing out what I want to say) at times it feels like the relationship I have with exercise! Cajoling, nudging and at times out right shoving myself to get to it but once I’m actually doing it, I feel…good…it’s like a release…and no, I haven’t been actually exercising but you know…needed something to compare it with.

Unkept promises:

Yes…I promised more to my blog readers than to myself that I wanted a two week break late January this year. I said that I would be “back” after two weeks of just doing other “stuff” and well, it sort of worked for all of two days early last month. The thing is, I didn’t really do anything those two weeks off, in fact I just did a lot of avoiding. Instead of going back to drawing the mandala, reading all those new books sitting on the bookshelf and meditating, what I did was escape into the virtual world of IMVU (and if you’re the sort of personality that easily gets entranced by things such as a 3D chat platform, I sincerely hope you think  a hundred times before checking it out. It’s seriously like a virtual Hotel California..you know, you can try to kill the beast but you don’t ever actually leave?) That and YouTube. Sigh…my two Hotel Californias. Even Facebook doesn’t hold that much appeal to me.

You know when you stuff yourself with too much of your favourite food all at once and feel really ill, but you keep doing it because there’s this weird compulsion in you that says “but it’s my favourite food!”…well…maybe there’s a better analogy but I’m sticking with something that I’ve done before. That’s how I made myself feel for those two weeks that I was supposed to be “taking time off the internet” Every day for many hours…on that chat platform even when none of those I consider my friends were on! Ugh! I made myself ill…but I kept going on like a stubborn mule! If I’m honest, I know why I did it and let’s just say it had something to do with being stubborn, curious and going through a wishful thinking phase.

Then I came back…oh but you can’t ever leave…remember? Two days…and then I was back spending mindless hours in that place again (this together with YouTube make a terrible combination for me!). I did make one happy (?) positive observation though…I may have gotten back into a rut BUT it was not as deep and I actually knew what I was doing. Now, I’m not sure if this is actually something good or whether it makes it really bad…hmmm…

By the last week of February I had officially made myself so ill with avoiding everything else that it was make or break time. So I made the choice to break away from everything internet except for WordPress. So…how am I doing?

Well…on the whole pretty..uhm…honestly…yes, being honest here…it’s going pretty goodish. Well..I’m writing this post! That’s a good thing. I’ve stayed off that chat platform..which is awesome. And even more awesome is that it actually feels GOOD not being on there..so wohoo for team Shree! Youtube on the other hand…well…let’s just say I dragged myself away from watching YouTube videos on “how to belly dance” to write this behemoth of a blog post.

You know, those unkept promises? I know I promised to come back on the 1st of February and it was my choice to do that because I feared that if I didn’t my statistics would look like something the “cat dragged in”. I didn’t do it because I had things to say and was waiting to say them after the break…I did it because I felt I “had” to, not because anyone said I had to – because I made myself think I had to based on some unreal expectation I set up for myself knowing that I was being stupid doing so. And, I do this sort of thing quite a bit! Not a lot now, but it’s still there. That pattern of putting these expectations of what I think I should be / need to be / have to be doing without being honest with myself about what it is I actually want to do. Does that make sense?

The outcome obviously isn’t so great. Just having this expectation silently yet ominously hanging over my head makes even clicking to WordPress to read all my favourite blogs seem like a chore! Why? Because it reminds me of said silently hanging thing above my head!

So…that is what’s been going on from middle of January till now. Today. This point in time. I’ve been avoiding, I’ve been making things very difficult for myself and oh…I’ve also developed an infected sebaceous cyst right smack in the middle of my chest…slightly to the right. That’s the other thing that’s happened. It was huge…it was painful…it’s shrunk now…it’s still a little painful…it still looks a little angry. Weird thing..this happened on the day I decided I was taking that complete break from the internet, a week ago. Honestly, it really had nothing to be that angry about! I have still been on YouTube and a little on Facebook! Hrrumph.

Seriously though, I got someone to check on it because it happened really fast. It didn’t even wait for a measly two days to swell up…nope it just went from zero to whopper in a matter of hours! Went to a doctor (and if anyone starts with the “Ooo …a doctor needs to go to a doctor, teehee” joke, I’m gonna virtually throw a cream pie at your face!) and confirmed I was on the right track and it was indeed an infected sebaceous cyst and not anything else, and I got it checked energetically too. Energy wise…it wasn’t pleasing to hear what it meant (when are inflamed any thing pleasing to hear about anyway, right?).

****************

This will continue in a second part. I could just save this and then come back to it, but I’m choosing not to. I’m going to just put this out  right now and then continue with my story.

17 thoughts on “Unkept promises, excuses vs honesty

  1. Hi Shree! Hope you’re feeling better now!
    The thing with the internet, I feel, is that we can do what we want to, when we want to, no pressure. It just feels that we need to be ‘there’ all of the time. I felt the same way with Facebook – I was on there every second (it feels like!) and when I decided to close my account, a message appeared (adding the the pressure) saying that one of my closest fiends (who I only kept in contact with at the time through Facebook) would miss me. I closed the account anyway. I couldn’t do that with WordPress, but then again, I feel, WordPress is on my terms and I can come and go as I feel.
    We all do what we want to, and possibly need to, at the time we do it, there’s no right and wrong. As long as we enjoy doing what we are doing, when we are doing it, then we’re doing the right thing for ourselves.
    Anyhoo, I waffle. Good to see you again, and (not adding any pressure whatsoever here!) hope to see you again soon!
    And, I always used to wonder who a doctor saw when they weren’t feeling the best – now I know. I shall take a cream pie for that…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ah Shree, been there done that, and the guilt we ‘beat’ ourselves up with is horrendous, taking a break seems easy, at first thought, then the longer you’re away, suddenly you feel free, free of the burdens of finding ideas for blogs (in my case poems) and you almost wallow in everything else,… then suddenly you think ‘enough already, I’ll go back and catch up’, another BIG step, but worth it, if you’re in the zone I mean, As Sir A, says, you have to find enjoyment in it, or it’s not good. It’s personal to each and every one of us, how we feel about this WordPress community. We’re all here, (now and then) and ready to read and comment whenever you are truly ready.
    I won’t risk a Cream Pie, 🙂 but I am glad to hear the cyst wasn’t serious, (painful but not life threatening, why does the brain always say it is tho’?) … oh all right, got your throwing arm ready? “A doctor needs to go to a doctor?” 😉 Wow!! good aim you got there. Hugs from a pie in the face xPenx

    Like

  3. Welcome back – guilt-free! Everybody needs a brain break now and then, and sometimes you need to just wallow in your favourite foods/activities. It might not be good for the body, but it’s good for the soul! I’m sorry you were feeling pressured. Just remember, if you call someone after not talking to them for months, a true friend is excited and happy to hear from you. The ones who give you the ‘where have you been’ guilt trip aren’t worth keeping. I hope you find that WordPress is a friend worth keeping!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well it’s nice to hear from you again, and nice to know that you weren’t completely sucked into the black hole of the internet. We’ve missed you and your posts.
    I hope your evil cyst is getting better and will disappear once it realizes you’re blogging once more.

    Like

  5. At first I did not know what to say Shree, had to give this some thought. You are courageous, open, vulnerable, imperfect, human, and supercool 🙂 You also really judge yourself a lot. I can identify with these traits and strive to be perfect and always fall short. You do so much Shree and then you need to recuperate. And so you did! I am taking a possible hiatus myself as I am very busy now and tired. If you learned something about yourself, then you are still at least one step ahead.

    BTW, this virtual stuff sounds right up my alley. Probably for the best I am not tech savvy enough to use those platforms, teehee! Us creative types need to escape and feed our fantasies. We are hardwired that way.

    I love you and am very happy to be your friend! Hope that cyst goes away and never returns.

    Hugs forever,
    Linda

    Like

  6. This made me giggle 😀 I distract myself from so many things all the time! I distract myself from stuff for months……..and pick back up. I am so ADD at times! But I go thru phases…ebb and flow and pick things back up and put them down and go back. idk…that is just me! I hope your cyst healed. It’s crazy bc I had one pop up on my chest as well and it scared the crap out of me……..I thought I had breast cancer. I know it was connected to some things I was experiencing..I didn’t have it checked out energetically but I know it was connected to something I was going thru. I believe I am going to enjoy following you on here 🙂 Namaste, Trina

    Like

  7. Addiction comes from so many quarters, does it not.

    I recall as a teenager, I was hooked to arcade games and would spend almost all my pocket allowance. One day, I had like just enough for bus fare to return home. Something happened to me on the ride home – and I never set foot into an arcade again – never! My kids are all adults – and they never visited games arcades – not that we stopped them. It must have rubbed off on them.

    YouTube and Hotel(s) California sound scarier!

    Glad that cyst checked out to be nothing serious, I gather.

    Cheers,
    Eric

    Like

  8. Shree I didn’t see this post come in in March.. But then I too had some time out, and keep having time out of WP and creating some ME time… A Cyst is telling you something too as it turned up so suddenly but then I think you know the deeper issues surrounding your creation of it
    Louise Hay says that cysts are due to running an old painful movie, nursing your hurts (rather than grieving and releasing them), and false growths.
    Affirmations she suggests for this condition are:
    The movies of my mind are beautiful because I choose to make them so. I love me.
    I am balanced in my creative flow.
    I dissolve old angers.
    Nothing can hurt me.

    She advises to Say or write one or more of these affirmations at least 20 times each day. Write them on 3X5 cards and place them wherever you’ll read them many times a day—mirrors, refrigerator door, dashboard, calendar, etc. (This will counter the negative thoughts you may have.)

    I am hoping that you are moving through your blockage and are moving into a brighter alignment… I had a blip last week too… and felt like burying my head in the sand… But I knew I was only running away from self… So I sat down and listened instead to some well timed teachings from Abraham Hicks.. ( as my daughter had given them me for Mother’s Day ) They were well timed.. As like you we allow ourselves to be pulled at others beck and call… As we try our best to help sooth others and solve their problems… And the one thing I forgot in all of this ‘Again!’ was ME..
    I needed that short sharp wake up call when I crumbled and cried and felt so low last week.. It brought me to my senses again.. that I needed to also Nurture ME…
    And Shree thats what you need to do also..

    I was only thinking I had not seen a post from you Last week.. But I tried several times to access your blog and It kept causing my screen to freeze on my laptop.. Even my cursser would not move it froze so I would end up having to shut down my laptop and reboot.. Today was the same as your reply to your Wednesday Word Cloud came in… But today I was patient.. Today I waited seeing if the freeze would unfreeze.. I waited 5 mins and it did.. Maybe I was meant to only visit you today after going through my own emotional blip again.. Who knows how the Universe works..
    But I can recommend Abraham Hicks,, as My daughter got me the 2005 teachings on Video set of 5.. You will find many on YouTube I am sure your familiar..
    I had heard of Abraham years ago, but never really explored what the content was about.. Its about alignment to feel happy… its about manifesting, and things I already like you know.. But we forget so often as we allow our Empathy or stubborn streaks to interfere… I am working on myself to rid myself of this negative pocket which I seem to keep returning to.. I’m chipping away, one day at a time… One thought at a time.. But I am feeling better… as I let go of something that has held me prisoner for too long..
    Love and Blessings Shree… you are the one that Matters… Put self not WP first.. and I know you will soon regain your balance… Love Sue xoxoxox

    Like

  9. and Shree… IAM just catching up with your blog now in JULY… is this a shame… No because their is no judgement, I do what I can just like everyone can do, no more and no less. It is so important that we all put ourself first and just do what we can. From writing twice a week here I’ve come down to twice a month… and it might even become once a month. but the great thing is it doesn’t matter. as long as IAM happy. Take good care of yourself and it would be great to hear how you are BEING… Love Barbara x

    Like

  10. Hi Shree! I’m glald you are feeling better now.
    I wonder too what happens or is happening in someon’e life when they just disappear. Most of the time it’s just life calling them or they just need a break, other are pulled away because life won’t permit them the time on the internet.
    I disappear quite a bit, and lately I rarely do much commenting anywhere due to my own heath, and life calling me to do this or that.
    I’m just glad you feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

Awesomeness is in the sharing of thoughts :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s