I’ve been wondering about how and what to post for a couple of weeks now. I’ve been doing my notoriously favourite thing of shoving it out of my mind, on a shelf with the other things that I don’t seem to want to tackle. So now…
So now, I’ve made myself to sit in front of my laptop and start tapping the keys..forming words which will turn into sentences and hopefully a post that will make some sense.
On a side note, I don’t know about you, but even though I do enjoy writing (well, typing out what I want to say) at times it feels like the relationship I have with exercise! Cajoling, nudging and at times out right shoving myself to get to it but once I’m actually doing it, I feel…good…it’s like a release…and no, I haven’t been actually exercising but you know…needed something to compare it with.
Yes…I promised more to my blog readers than to myself that I wanted a two week break late January this year. I said that I would be “back” after two weeks of just doing other “stuff” and well, it sort of worked for all of two days early last month. The thing is, I didn’t really do anything those two weeks off, in fact I just did a lot of avoiding. Instead of going back to drawing the mandala, reading all those new books sitting on the bookshelf and meditating, what I did was escape into the virtual world of IMVU (and if you’re the sort of personality that easily gets entranced by things such as a 3D chat platform, I sincerely hope you think a hundred times before checking it out. It’s seriously like a virtual Hotel California..you know, you can try to kill the beast but you don’t ever actually leave?) That and YouTube. Sigh…my two Hotel Californias. Even Facebook doesn’t hold that much appeal to me.
You know when you stuff yourself with too much of your favourite food all at once and feel really ill, but you keep doing it because there’s this weird compulsion in you that says “but it’s my favourite food!”…well…maybe there’s a better analogy but I’m sticking with something that I’ve done before. That’s how I made myself feel for those two weeks that I was supposed to be “taking time off the internet” Every day for many hours…on that chat platform even when none of those I consider my friends were on! Ugh! I made myself ill…but I kept going on like a stubborn mule! If I’m honest, I know why I did it and let’s just say it had something to do with being stubborn, curious and going through a wishful thinking phase.
Then I came back…oh but you can’t ever leave…remember? Two days…and then I was back spending mindless hours in that place again (this together with YouTube make a terrible combination for me!). I did make one happy (?) positive observation though…I may have gotten back into a rut BUT it was not as deep and I actually knew what I was doing. Now, I’m not sure if this is actually something good or whether it makes it really bad…hmmm…
By the last week of February I had officially made myself so ill with avoiding everything else that it was make or break time. So I made the choice to break away from everything internet except for WordPress. So…how am I doing?
Well…on the whole pretty..uhm…honestly…yes, being honest here…it’s going pretty goodish. Well..I’m writing this post! That’s a good thing. I’ve stayed off that chat platform..which is awesome. And even more awesome is that it actually feels GOOD not being on there..so wohoo for team Shree! Youtube on the other hand…well…let’s just say I dragged myself away from watching YouTube videos on “how to belly dance” to write this behemoth of a blog post.
You know, those unkept promises? I know I promised to come back on the 1st of February and it was my choice to do that because I feared that if I didn’t my statistics would look like something the “cat dragged in”. I didn’t do it because I had things to say and was waiting to say them after the break…I did it because I felt I “had” to, not because anyone said I had to – because I made myself think I had to based on some unreal expectation I set up for myself knowing that I was being stupid doing so. And, I do this sort of thing quite a bit! Not a lot now, but it’s still there. That pattern of putting these expectations of what I think I should be / need to be / have to be doing without being honest with myself about what it is I actually want to do. Does that make sense?
The outcome obviously isn’t so great. Just having this expectation silently yet ominously hanging over my head makes even clicking to WordPress to read all my favourite blogs seem like a chore! Why? Because it reminds me of said silently hanging thing above my head!
So…that is what’s been going on from middle of January till now. Today. This point in time. I’ve been avoiding, I’ve been making things very difficult for myself and oh…I’ve also developed an infected sebaceous cyst right smack in the middle of my chest…slightly to the right. That’s the other thing that’s happened. It was huge…it was painful…it’s shrunk now…it’s still a little painful…it still looks a little angry. Weird thing..this happened on the day I decided I was taking that complete break from the internet, a week ago. Honestly, it really had nothing to be that angry about! I have still been on YouTube and a little on Facebook! Hrrumph.
Seriously though, I got someone to check on it because it happened really fast. It didn’t even wait for a measly two days to swell up…nope it just went from zero to whopper in a matter of hours! Went to a doctor (and if anyone starts with the “Ooo …a doctor needs to go to a doctor, teehee” joke, I’m gonna virtually throw a cream pie at your face!) and confirmed I was on the right track and it was indeed an infected sebaceous cyst and not anything else, and I got it checked energetically too. Energy wise…it wasn’t pleasing to hear what it meant (when are inflamed any thing pleasing to hear about anyway, right?).
This will continue in a second part. I could just save this and then come back to it, but I’m choosing not to. I’m going to just put this out right now and then continue with my story.