Learning to love

ME.

I’m so hoping this post doesn’t come off sounding like a pity party for one. It’s not that I’m not prone for that but I’m tired of pity parties. It drains me and let me reiterate if you are confused, this isn’t a pity party.

I will be honest though, right at this moment my heart feels sad…a sense of heaviness and “they” say sometimes it’s a good thing to let the words flow as a sort of purging of negative feelings. Well this is it.

God knows I am not perfect. Far from it. Β I can be impatient, I can mentally cuss you off. When I’m really in the mood I could wish you dead.I am not as nice as people think I am, well I don’t think so and that is important. This is my life and this is how I view myself.You cannot change that, neither would I want you to.

But, I want to love myself anyway.

I am fat. I have always been the fat kid. I’ve always been that fat awkward girl who was told, “If you only lost the weight, you would be so pretty”. So to me, me being fat means I’m ugly. I have been chided for this thought. I’ve had people roll their eyes and tell me to get over it. They say, don’t be ridiculous, you have a great smile, you are beautiful – inside and out. But you see, those are only words. Words that have come a little too late to soften the scars already hardened over time. My perception has been skewed. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, really look at myself…I see the pretty face, I smile and tell myself, you’re beautiful. Then the scars pulsate with life and those are the times I look in the mirror and I see…ugly.

But, I want to love myself anyway.

I always talk too loud and laugh too loud. I tend to talk too much. It’s like this desperate need to tell you what I know. I have always felt unheard when I was younger, because nothing cuts you deeper than when the person you’re talking to turns away completely ignoring you in mid conversation.

But, I want to love myself anyway.

I’m 42 years old and though I was married for 6 years, will it be strange to you for me to tell you that I feel I’ve never actually been in a relationship? To not feel the passion that being in love brings. To not have experienced that connection that one is supposed to have with another? With their lover? That I have only experienced this in my mind, with the man that I have carried within me for oh so long? I have been told that I need to get over it. I have been told that I need to take the time to take care of how I present myself, how I act and to truly believe that I am worthy of such love. And please believe me I have tried. And I am trying. And then the voices start. The voices tell me, “This is NOT you”, “This makes you a fake”, and at these times I tell..and at times need to beg it to stop. To please stop. And I ask God to help me stop these voices in my head, these voices that gleefully tell me even God won’t be able to help me, because I am them, and they are me.

But, I want to love myself anyway.

I have always been the girl that got along with the guys. I’m one of those who would feel comfortable sitting with a group of guys talking shit in my old comfy t shirt and shorts. I am the type of girl that wouldn’t know if flirting hit her in the face with a fist. I don’t know the subtle art of how to act like a woman in the company of men.

But, I want to love myself anyway.

I carry a lot of self imposed guilt. The fear of making someone angry always lurks in the deepest shadows within me. Though I toughen up and tell myself there is no need, it makes itself known at times. It causes me to feel overwhelmed because there are times when I still say “Yes” when I mean “No”. I know. Yet I do.

But, I want to love myself anyway.

I want to experience joy. I want to know what it FEELS like. I want to allow myself that. Yet, just under the surface the darkness lurks. A fragile wisp of smoke separates this sadness within me. I layer it with positive thoughts, I layer it with light, I layer it with telling myself I am worthy. It holds, only for a time, then the cracks appear and the darkness seeps through.

But, I want to love myself anyway.

There are times, sometimes months when I feel I may have won the battle. That I have come to accept that which is me. And I am happy. Yet…yet deep inside, if I am honest with myself there is part of me which waits for the shoe to drop. And…it does. I look at the void, I feel it’s tentacles approaching me and …I allow it to enfold me and drag me down to the abyss where I used to reside for a long time ago. It doesn’t last very long, I won’t allow it to win. I don’t allow it to win. So I do what I know to do, which is to take a deep breath and break myself away from it. But do I? Or is it just another ploy to make me think so? To make me feel that I have won this battle, this time…when I may be losing the war?

I don’t know. There are a lot of times when I do not know. There are the times I feel like clawing at this body, ripping it to shreds so that I can be free. Ripping this world apart and to be free from it. But, I also know that is not what it is. So…

And so I continue on. At this point in my life walking with more awareness and telling myself again and again that I am worthy no matter what happens. When the voices in my mind get too loud and when telling them that I love them and I accept them and I am willing to let them go doesn’t work…I still resort to begging them to leave me alone. And when that doesn’t happen, I beg God to help me…and I give up. And in that giving up, I have felt that small reprieve…that peace, and I am grateful.

And so I continue on. One step at a time. Wondering…wandering? Sometimes not. Sometimes it seems clear. Then the fog approaches and I trip and fall. The pain shoots through me like a thousand glass pieces, cutting…drawing blood. I grimace…and breathe. Then I do what I know. I get up and start walking again, because that is all that can be done.

But, even with all this and even more…I want to love myself.

Because I must be worthy. Because I AM worthy.

40 thoughts on “Learning to love

  1. Whoa…thats honest, vulnerable, and raw, Bravo you. I to some degree really relate. I was going to write something along these lines above love, but only for the eyes of my English professor. I would not have the courage to be so vulnerable, We all have self doubt.

    My only suggestion is from Abraham, when I am down, I make gratitude list. Just keep attempting to love yourself anyway. Maybe one day we will both find enduring, passionate love? ❀

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  2. “But I want to love myself anyway.”

    I could have written so much of this post myself. I don’t have any words of wisdom, unfortunately, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in this.

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  3. So you were having a party as welll…… I was too! πŸ™‚

    Your post is BEAUTIFUL and you are BEAUTIFUL – I can tell from reading your words!!!

    Continue to walk in Beauty! Love to you today! Imelda

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  4. Hi Shree,
    You are worthy of love, and plenty of it.
    What you have are old tapes going through our head telling you the stuff you were told when you were young. You have to continue to fight it, but the the old tapes are lies. Every time you hear the old voice you have to say what you want believe of yourself at least 10 times. Also put up sticky notes around you house where you can see them often. Starting with the mirror. Let the notes say, “I’m worthy of love,” “I’m beautiful,” “I love myself,”Put whatever you want on the notes so you see them….kitchen, living room, bedroom. In order to destroy what has been building up strong for so long you have to fight just as hard.
    I know you are worthy of love and happen to know that you are a beautiful person, worthy to do what she wants and to have a man that treats her with the love and respect you already deserve.

    I have old negative tapes too. Some are from my classmates, but most are from my own mom. I have to work on this just like you do. It’s a life process taken just one day at a time. So just for today, Shree, love yourself, know you are beautiful and worthy of love and know that people love and care about you.

    Oh, did I tell you that you are a very brave and courageous woman?….You are!

    Sending you much love and hugs xoxo

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  5. Exposing yourself so raw can only happen from the love of the IAM that flickers within your humanness… The personality and body are all slowly dissolving now and are fighting for their very presence… But an acceptence for all strengths and weakness’s is emerging, wisdom is being distilled from all human experience as humankind prepare for the greatest show on earth… Keep trusting Shree that everything is perfectly ok… and allow the natural ‘rebirth’ of your heart and soul’s desire… walking the earth as a DivineHumanBeing… an embodied ascended master… It’s never been done before… we are all the new standards, so keep in close contact with your IAM-NESS and TRUST… Take care, Barbara

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  6. Hello Shree,
    I followed Sindy’s link to find this very touching, vulnerable post. Although we’re strangers in the sense that we’ve never met,nor even exchanged thoughts here in the blog world, your post touched me deeply. There are a few things that I relate to and can say I’ve experienced at one time or another in my life.

    This, especially:

    “I have always been the girl that got along with the guys. I’m one of those who would feel comfortable sitting with a group of guys talking shit in my old comfy t shirt and shorts. I am the type of girl that wouldn’t know if flirting hit her in the face with a fist. I don’t know the subtle art of how to act like a woman in the company of men.”

    Although I am married, and happily to a man who accepts me, including all of my weirdnesses, I still find relationships sometimes trying and difficult. I’ve gotten better at accepting my own craziness, but I continue to have the sense that I float endlessly through this world. Often, other people baffle me and although most of my friends might find this surprising, I have a huge amount of insecurity around relationships. I can be quite convinced on some days that when I dare to be myself, it will be at the expense of other people’s sensibilities.

    I don’t really have any words of wisdom for you. As you probably already know, we can glean some things from others, but we each are tasked with walking our own unique path. I admire that you were able to not only write this post, but share it here. You have more courage than I do, but, you have inspired me to write this little note. πŸ™‚

    I try to forgive people more than I used to for some of things that I have been accused of:

    You’re too serious
    You’re too intellectual
    You should do something with your hair
    Why don’t you wear a dress once in awhile?
    You’re so good (this one comes because I am very diet conscious, lol)

    You’re in my thoughts Shree. Thank you for sharing here.
    Debra

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Dear Shree,
    ,
    First – WOW
    Second, you have a beautiful unique voice and humanity is in need of it so i pray you will continue to write.
    Third How awesome that you and Debra are now connected. Since I love you both, that brings me joy. Your post is what made that happen.
    Fourth – The Libra path is far more complex than most realize. I know from personal experience how angry and hostile an unbalanced Libra can be.Libra is about finding some semblance of balance.When a Libra makes some headway their Venus shines and they express kindness, charm, generosity, grace, peace, and creativity. You are beautiful, yet it is what you believe that counts. I am not a girly girl either.I used to prefer men;s company to women but I have shifted. Keep being you.

    much love and hugs,
    Linda

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  8. >>I want to experience joy. I want to know what it FEELS like.

    Shree,

    What attracted me to your site tonight was a search for other people blogging about Edgar Cayce. Evidently you posted a couple of Cayce-related book reviews last year.

    In light of your most recent post I’d feel remiss if I didn’t share with you my most recent blog post about Edgar Cayce on “Humour and Happiness”.

    Men are generally more conclusion-oriented, I believe, than women and I’m no different. I’d like you to feel happier and hope that the Cayce material could help. Shawn Achor’s 45-second rule has worked for me as well.

    I don’t engage in Social Media (I don’t need more computer-related obligations) and I don’t even know if it’s kosher to post a link to my blog. I don’t see anyone else posting links here.

    Notwithstanding all I have to lose is pixels if you chose to delete the link or even this entire comment. I hope it helps.

    Here it is: http://the-martyan-chronicles.com/2014/09/02/humour-happiness/

    Blessed wishes,
    Marty

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  9. I too feel these same feelings. What I’ve found works for me is to just get up in the mornings and NOT give in to any of these negative feelings. Just get up. Before too long into the day, as I keep pushing them aside to just keep on getting through, I’m singing God’s praises for what a beautiful day it is. May God bless your every moment.

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  10. So beautifully written, Shree! Fighting the lying voices is so exhausting and sometimes it seems so futile. I wish there was a magic wand that could make us believe in our own worthiness and carry that belief without doubt – if there was, I’d wave it for you. Keep fighting the good fight – you’re worth it, and worthy of it. Sending a big cyber-hug your way. ((hug))

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  11. Wow Shree, what a first post I arrive on to do my catch up…. First it was so great to see you back in Blog land.. and commenting on my posts.. You were very much missed..

    This is such a poignant and honest courageous testament to how you are feeling.. And I can so relate to much of what you speak of here..
    As children we take on so much of what others say about us.. You view yourself in the mirror and see a perception of what others say should be the norm.. You say you are fat.. Which I do not agree with for one moment..
    For me it was being too thin.. in fact I was like a stick.. and the stigma sticks as we look in the mirror..
    Finding ourselves is sometimes hard as we peel off the layers which we have learnt over the years to hide behind our masks… The humour, the fixed smile.. the constant inner chatter we bombard ourselves with as being ‘Unworthy’ …
    I wrote a post in 2012 along the same lines.. It was the very first time also I allowed the world to see my real profile photo… As I had always hid behind a Native American Woman’s painted image.. as Dreamwalker..

    The time is now allowing those layers to peel off.. and as we do we are discovering who we are.. And as we do so, we are learning to Love our new found selves..

    We are all of us constantly changing.. each of us are evolving .. And sometimes Shree those layers that we peel off tare up old wounds exposing a raw hurt and sadness we can not even begin to fathom .. Maybe it is the many life times we are shedding… I hope in a way that is so.. For it is showing us that we are within our last phases of learning to love.. Love is what we came to discover.. And we got so side tracked in thinking it was to love another, or love our material possessions.. When it is so much more simpler than that..
    We really only need to LOVE ourselves.. and believe that ALL things are possible.. We are eternal Energy Beings .. Each of us are Creating the future within the NOW..
    Our experience of Now is the result of our past thoughts.. To go forward we need to understand our happiness is our state of mind.. We need no external trappings… All we need is to feel love and be comfortable within our own skins..
    I too am far from perfect.. FAR from Perfect Shree…. I learn and grow each day… In fact this is why we have come together right now.. We are the ones this world has been waiting for..
    We are figuring it out.. step by step..

    Just take it one step at a time Shree.. And be gentle with yourself.. I am here as many of your Light sisters for your should you need us..

    Love to you Shree.. xox Hugs Sue xxx

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  12. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this with my previous comment;

    More than a decade ago I created a web page specifically for out-talking that little negative (ego) voice inside us that gives us all such a hard time:

    http://systemagicmotives.com/PositiveAdjectiveGlossary.htm and the attendant Word Search Game: http://systemagicmotives.com/Wordfinds/YoursTrulyWordfinds.htm

    I wish the puzzles were of higher quality but I’m not an html programmer and have to make do with what I can find online. If anyone knows a programer (not a designer) I can afford to pay them a little bit for better puzzle design. (Not a lot as I understand some programers charge a fortune)

    The premise is that, if you use the words “I am…” before each adjective then it has significant spiritual power as stated in “Conversations with God”. It’s the “I am that I am.” of Abraham which suggests that statements like “I’m such a clutz!” should never be stated due to the inherent realization power.

    The idea is to out-talk the negative voice with neuro-linguistic programming. On your worst day you’ll be able to find at least 200 positive adjectives that you, and God, know to be absolutely true about yourself.

    Last year, after 13 years, the “Positive Adjective Glossary” web page suddenly incurred an increase in traffic and it’s currently getting about 75K visitors/m. The visitors aren’t there to combat their inner voices as most appear to be going there to compliment or encourage others. Either way I believe that it’s a good thing.

    While I’m at it, since your blog is titled “Learning to Love”, here’s another recent web page, still under development, titled “It’s Everywhere”.
    http://systemagicmotives.com/Slideshows/Hearts/It%27s_Everywhere.htm

    Hope it helps,
    Marty

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  13. I’m saddened to hear you think of yourself and see yourself in that way. They are lies. That’s certainly not how I see you, or how probably anyone else sees you. We truly are our own worst critics, far harsher than anyone else would be. If someone said all those things about your friend, I bet you wouldn’t stand for it. But because you tell yourself those things, you believe it. That’s more than unfair, it’s untrue.

    I don’t think you have any problem in the looks department. And in your latest avatar, you look very nice! None of us are perfect, and probably no one is truly satisfied with our bodies or our looks or anything else. One way or another we have to learn to live with our shortcomings. But that doesn’t make us any less real or attractive. You’re smart and funny and talented and a deep thinker and would be a great catch for anyone with half a brain. Even if you’re not perfect.

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  14. Some people – it is just the way we are wired – do not feel love, or joy, or like they are really in a relationship… unless it is with a crowd, an audience, an arena of happy faces. That is just the way it is. And you may be one of those people. It is not bad, it is not good… it is authentic. At it’s core… you need to be in control and that’s okay. It is much easier to control a group than an individual. Of course the upside … and there is a tremendous upside… you will be loved. Examples – Jackie Gleason – the great one and Moms Mabley. Some spirits are meant to give joy to the world. Your reward is in the doing. And you will be loved.

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  15. Shree,

    I just stumbled across this and thought of you:

    It seems that all of us have that Inner voice and it’s negative 80% of the time.

    But sometimes, rarely, someone is brave enough to talk about it publicly so that it can be brought into the open and we can try to help each other.

    Yours,
    Marty

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  16. It’s tough to overcome words that followed us since childhood. It’s easier, believe it or not, to overcome the words we impose upon ourselves. But once it seems that self-esteem is fragile or in jeopardy, all those words come together, making it too simple to bring us down and take away our strengths which we would otherwise use to battle those forces. I recognize my flaws and parts of myself that annoy me and that I get frustrated with. But I don’t have a low self-esteem, I’m pretty confident about myself and personality. I think that what helps is to be able to separate these traits or behaviors from who we are as people. Kind of like with children, separate the child from the behavior. I know who I am essentially as a person and a human being. I would never intentionally hurt anyone, but I do hurt people at times because of things I say or do, or because I’m thinking more about myself and my own needs. That’s just circumstance and mistakes. Those things don’t make me. There’s a difference. As I said however, words that grow with you are harder to overcome, and those are the words that build a foundation of insecurity and self-dislike. I like the way you explain it, the logic behind it, that people said if you’d lose weight you’d be pretty, therefore you must be ugly. I’ve never thought of it on those terms, but it makes so much sense, that subliminal message that becomes ingrained, and in your case since childhood. I don’t need to tell you about how beauty is a matter of opinion and it’s subjective even though society tries to convince us it’s objective. You’re an intelligent woman and I figure you’ve either heard, read, or thought all of those ideas which are meant to better self esteem. But I will say that there is definitely an energy that creates attraction. Something from within. Obesity runs in my family, and in my life I’ve known 4 people who have received the surgery when their stomachs are stapled. 3 friends, 1 family member. I also knew two women in my early twenties who were overweight and who, whenever they entered a bar, all the men in the bar were drawn to them. They had this intense sexual energy and confidence. When they entered the room, they took the room. One of these two happened to be one of my friends who later received the surgery, for health reasons. I knew other women who were less overweight but were not secure enough in themselves to draw on that confidence, and rather than exuding an attractive energy, they put out a wall and drew themselves in. Obviously some people are shyer than others or more reserved, but I think you know what my point is, even though I’m rambling. There’s a lot of superficiality in the world, but that’s not what will enable human beings to continue to exist, if anything, it’s the superficiality that will eventually destroy us, on both an individual and a global scale. You’re beautiful, trust me.

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  17. Dear Shree.. first we see you then we don’t!.. πŸ™‚ I hope you are ok my friend… Sending you a thought wave of a Hug my friend… I was patient.. as your blog takes around 2 minutes to load waiting for typekit to load it says… :-D…
    Sending you Love… Even Binky is pining for you! :-)… Hugs Sue xxx

    Liked by 1 person

            1. Wait a minute…

              …wine comes in gum?!

              Why wasn’t I informed??

              Do you inhale the aroma first? Does it have legs? If it does, does it travel well? What kind of wine gum goes with fish?

              I may not be sophisticated enough for this.

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            2. My wife has oft cited: “I am the guardian of my partner’s solitude”. – unknown author

              When she’s ready Shree will reemerge.

              How can she resist when her name sounds so much like a cheer?

              And wine gums and cake await.

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  18. Thank you for sharing this in the blog world. What you are feeling is not unique and you must honor yourself for hitting the submit button so we can know a bit more about you.
    From your post I noticed some healthy things happening in your world –
    1-you are processing what’s going on in your life
    2- you are sharing
    3- you are taking walks

    None of these steps are easy but they show you are determined to survive.

    Keep writing and sharing and walking.

    Thanks so much for letting us know.

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  19. This is a pretty loaded post. There’s a lot to chew on here. I will say that, the journey to acceptance starts with taking the step to choose to take the journey. I had recently said in a post (because I really believe in this!) is to exercise our choice to choose joy. Choose happiness. Yes, it is a choice.

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