Today as I type this at about 7 in the evening, I realise that I may be in deep shit. Well, in the larger scheme of life, it won’t even qualify as anything major. In fact, it’ll probably just make the tiniest tiniest little blip and then disappear. However, in my mind and the way I think, it’s one of those irritating challenges or obstacles sitting in the middle of the road…sitting like a big flabby ugly slimy icky monster, sticking it’s tongue out at me…it’s like that horrible sound when nails scratch across the chalkboard…it just makes me wanna pull at my hair and scream or run away and hide from the world hoping that it disappears…when I know that all I have to do is to close my eyes, take a deep breath, give my mind a pep talk and it will all disappear and things will be alright.
The thing is…
I’m tired. My mind even though it doesn’t stop cooking things up…bad things and good things…it’s just tired. My body feels tired. My emotions feel tired. Everything within me feels tired.
My so called “deep shit”? I don’t have a single post lined up for the coming week. Nothing. My blog schedule list is empty. It’s not that big of a deal actually. I could still do this blog-a-post-a-day thing one blog post at a time. In all honesty..it’s not ANY of a deal. At all. It’s not even worth a mole hill to make into a mountain. Or even an ant hill.
BUT, I’m still tired.
This morning, I had a pretty productive start. I went to the market, got some vegetables and other market stuff for meal preparations, I bought breakfast, came home and started the laundry, fed the birds, had breakfast…and then settled down to watch this show recommended to me by a friend. It’s called “Stranger Things”. What shocked me was that I completely forgot there was laundry that needed to be hung out to dry. And what’s scary is that this isn’t the first time I’ve forgotten. I’m lucky that I remembered while it was still day time and the sun was still out. The last time, I only remembered way later and it had started raining.
I feel tired. My mind feels really, really tired.
I think of going into work tomorrow and I want to sit and cry. I want to cry..and then I want to stand up and slap a few people. And then, I want to slap myself. You know what the “joke” is? The joke is that I only have to physically go into work once a week. The rest of the week, I work from home. I still put in a regular job’s hours – 9 to 6…well…I have RECENTLY started putting in the “normal” working hours..because before that I was putting in way, way more hours. I know I did it to myself. I allowed it to happen. I made it my responsibility and didn’t take care of myself and now I am paying for it.
I’m tired enough to know that even if I get a week off from work, it will still not be enough.
I don’t mind physical tiredness…but the mental tiredness can be so draining.
I’m tired of empty promises and lies. I’m tired of employers who honestly don’t give a shit about their employees. They say they do. They say work-life balance. I want to take that phrase and shove it up their arse. Because we know that the bottom line is money and profits. Everything else is to help appease the minions. It’s a strategy. I was told that it is important to keep in touch with ex-employees because you never know when they will be of use to you. I’m like WTF. Seriously?
I’m tired because my mind makes me feel like I am responsible for everything and everyone. Even though there are times I tell it to shut the fuck up and refuse to do stuff, there is this part of me that still feels like I should have. And I carry that with me.
I’m tired of certain people’s bullshit. I am not going to expand on it. You know, sometimes I wonder…do people even hear themselves when they speak? I don’t know. I just know that I deserve a slap for knowing that people say shit , but I don’t say anything about it…I sometimes give them the benefit of doubt.
I’m tired of working on myself and finding that I haven’t made any progress. At all. I know that’s an irrational thought. I know I’ve made some progress. But my mind doesn’t make me think so. Everything seems to be not worth shit. And I feel like I’m back to where I was. It’s ridiculous.
So, this is what I shall do. I am going to take a fuck-it-all pill, have a shower and settle down with Dr. Sleep, the Stephen King book…and then go to bed..early. And I am going to stubbornly hope that tomorrow when I wake up, my mind has decided that it’s just too tired to be all mopey and tired, and instead settle with something that resembles sanity.
I’m tired of me making myself tired.