Today, the 17th of November 2016, half way through the fabulous efforts of Rara and the Nano Poblano team, I am letting go of my participation to blog a post every day for the next 15 days or so.
You know, I am an ace at de-cluttering stuff ..things. Every year, I do it. I spend a whole day “deep cleaning” my room. Whatever I have not used in those 12 months before, goes out into the garbage bag. These things are mainly skin care stuff..because yes, I have this absolutely fascinating fascination for those sorts of things. Make up too. I’d buy them with this great optimistic hope that I will use make up, damn it!…but…I haven’t really progressed much in that area. To give me credit, I have now..in a way. Putting in some effort to look a little more than alive when I go out for work meetings and such.
I’m also pretty good at knowing when certain friendships are at an end. Sometimes the ending of friendships or connections make me sad but I can accept it and I move on. Some connections with people were cut consciously because it wasn’t doing me (and them) any good. I don’t leave hating them. I just silently leave. I silently left my ex-husband too..knocked on his door, said I’m leaving back home (he knew I had taken a transfer back to my home city, so it wasn’t a total surprise)…and left. Most connections just sort of petered out…a natural death.
However, the one thing that I am not good at letting go are things or situations that concern some form of…work? responsibility? And I know that the reason behind it is guilt.
I carry quite a lot of guilt and I’ll tell you why.
I feel guilty because I feel that if I don’t do certain things or say certain things or behave in a certain way…I am going to hurt the other person.
I feel guilty because I feel that if I don’t deliver something to someone, whatever that some thing is, they will be disappointed…I would have broken their expectations.
I feel guilty because I feel that I have not done a good enough job. I feel guilty because I feel that my best is not good enough.
I feel guilty because I’m not “perfect”.
I feel guilty because I sometimes…most times…put myself in the other person’s shoe and I feel that if that was me, I’d not like it. At the same time, I will have to admit…I am my own worst critic.
It’s strange, because honestly, I feel I don’t do enough. I feel I don’t contribute enough. I feel that most times I’m just so “lazy” and I’m not responsible enough.
When friends tell me I work too hard…to my own detriment, I do not see it that way. Until I burn out, roll my eyes, and fighting the guilt and fear of not stepping up, I say “fuck it!” and just get stuff done…half-heartedly. THEN I look at the finished product and am disappointed with the outcome…and then, the cycle repeats.
I have so many things that I want to do. Striving for balance has been to me..to do everything but in a balanced way. However, what I have realised is that striking a balance can also mean learning to know when and what to let go of, without any fear, things that do not serve me or my sanity any good. That doesn’t serve the way my mind works.
I am starting with my participation in Nano Poblano. And then…I know I will have to re-look the other aspects of my life, online and off line. Maybe I will make it a slower journey instead of being impulsive. Maybe not. I don’t know.
What I do know is this. I am ok with me “quitting” Nano Poblano, half way to the finish line. Even though a part of my mind is going..”Oh, but it is JUST a few more days! You can do this! WE can do this! Just..you know..write something, do something..it’ll be fine! Are you SURE this is what it means to find balance? Are you SURE? HOW can others do it and you can’t? Maybe this is just your inadequacy of doing stuff. Maybe you waste too much of time…”..and it goes on.
Thing is, no…I am not sure. Maybe this is just a justification I have come up with because I can’t hack it. Maybe this is just an excuse because I really suck at balancing stuff in my life. Maybe this is me taking the easy way out. I don’t know.
I just know that this is me being honest with me. This is me saying to me “Enough is enough”. This is me pushing against an old, old pattern and believe of always comparing myself to others. This is me feeling brave for saying “Hey, guess what? No, I can’t do this. I have other stuff I want to do too. And that’s ok!”.
To the Nano Pablanos who are still going strong…yay you! You are awesome and you are wonderful!
I will come by your blogs, those whom I have connected to..and I will cheer you on.