Date: 11th September 2012
It’s been 11 days since I left the corporate world. The first week was hectic. This week though, has given me time, too much time on my hands. I guess that’s a good thing, then again sometimes it can be a not so good thing.
My work week starts on a Wednesday evening for four hours and then full days from Thursday to Saturday. For some reason yesterday was a great start. I felt energetic, I felt alive, I felt just great until the late afternoon slump hit and I tried to meditate. Sometimes I feel like I try too hard. So hard that I miss the whole point of this journey. Blinded and frustrated about not experiencing the expected I start putting myself down.
I guess maybe hopefully this is part of the journey. For me to lose the expectations of what should be or has to be and instead listen and pay attention to what is. To let go. It’s easy I feel to think that you have let go, I mean…I left a stable job and am just doing, but you know what? I don’t think this is it. It’s part of it, sure. Taking that leap of faith and just doing it, whatever that it may be, but that’s just the first step. Maybe to truly let go is to surrender complete control of what Life, the Universe, God has in store for me. Maybe its taking that deep breath and just going with the flow. Not holding back, not thinking too much, not saying it has to be *this* way or *that* way- letting it just happen. It’s scary though. What if it’s something that I don’t like to do? What if it’s a path that I am not comfortable with?
Then again, maybe to reach that point in life I would have to feel uncomfortable, I would need to feel unsure. Talking about feeling unsure, I had a mini “Oh my God, what am I doing??” moment last evening. It was just before the “Who are you kidding, what makes you think you’re so great” moment. Like one great movie successfully sequel-ing another.
The really hard part is this: A lot of times we KNOW, we know what we need to do or not need to do. We know that we need to sometimes chill, sometimes throw our hands in the air and say “I give up, You take over” and all that, but knowing is one thing, actually practicing it is a whole other ball game. I also realize that I am terrified of actually working on myself. Sure I read, but most of these books are knowledge based, it’s not those that make you sit and go into yourself; and face who you are. The wounded self, the angry self, the petulant self, the fearful self. That’s the one thing that is sitting at the back of my mind winking at me whenever I look over – like a gentle reminder, though at times it looks like a dirty old man and I get kinda queasy. Okay, so maybe I’m not really the queasy kind, but you get the idea.
Do I regret leaving my job? NO. Do I feel that this is the right path for me? I’m honestly not sure. I want to. I know this is what I want. This is what I feel happy doing. This is also the time that my self doubting rears it’s head to make me feel insecure. This is me doubting that the self doubting is actually self doubt and not something more positive. In other words, this is the time for major confusion. My hope is that this time will pass and I will allow myself to see the path more clearly. That I will learn to let go and then maybe I can see the big picture, or maybe it isn’t the time for me to see the big picture.
In fact, I’m just going to stop thinking because believe me when this starts it doesn’t end till it’s completely drained my brain!