Date: 16 December 2011

Date : 16th December 2011.

This is a whiny post, but it’s what I’m going through. Thought I’d put a warning here just in case.

I’m afraid. I’m feeling dejected. I’m feeling empty.Sometimes, like about 2 days ago, my brain felt like it was frozen in time, a completely non functioning dud sitting in my cranium. Even my mind that’s usually snarky couldn’t think of anything snarky to comment.

I started back on my journey with some feeling of excitement. When I had decided to go back to finding my way back to me, I felt suddenly calm. My heart stopped feeling panicky. My inner voice relaxed and I was suddenly plunged into this calming thought that this was right.

Closing in on the 2 month mark, I suddenly feel like I’m preparing for a huge pity party, starring and only invited guest – Me.

I’m suddenly unsure. I’m suddenly afraid. I have this long list of things that I’m afraid of.

I’m afraid that my intentions or motivations to participate in this journey is all wrong. That the true intent is not self growth but self-gratification. The feeding of my ego.

I’m afraid that I’m going to continue this life time just like a lost ship. Just floating away, sometimes being tossed about and sometimes just sitting still…not moving, not progressing, just moving in circles…lost.

I’m afraid that I won’t feel anything. That I won’t see the lessons, that I won’t manage to apply what I am reading into my life because I wouldn’t know how to.

I’m afraid that I might not be “special” enough. Even typing that makes me wonder if I truly know what I’m doing, because doesn’t wanting to feel special something to do with self-gratification? Isn’t that part of my ego? My lower desires taking the reigns instead of letting go?

I feel dejected because when I read or hear about those that have made that connection to their guides, to God, to synchrocities in their life …I wonder, why can’t I make that connection. Where is it? Am I doing something wrong? Is something wrong with me?

I’ve been feeling so tired for the past few days, it’s even making my inner sloth worried. I don’t know why I’m tired..but I just am. All I want to do at some points in the day is sleep.

I’m confused too because just when I’m wrestling with all these feelings of inadequacy, I’m getting calls about opportunities for other positions – better positions, career wise. I recently got a call from the same executive search firm for the same position offered, and declined, by me a few months ago. They did mention they were desperate to find someone who could suit the role, so maybe it’s not so much “You’re still the best pick” as opposed to “There’s no one else so please help! Eeep!”

I felt a burst of excitement when I received all my books to help me on the “how to write” project. Now they are all arranged on the shelf and they will probably stay there till I don’t know when.

Sometimes I feel like I have put too much on my plate – as usual. It’s these thoughts that keep running through my mind: I have to do this, I need to do this, I shouldn’t be saying “need” and “have”, I need to calm down, I need to be patient, Just leave it and it (whatever “it” is) will come, what if it doesn’t? Am I going to fail at this too? Why can’t I *FEEL* anything? Is something wrong? I’m doing all this wrong. Just be patient….(it goes on..tirelessly sometimes)

Then, if that isn’t enough, I get little bursts of panicked thoughts about my paying job. “I need to get this done! I don’t feel like working, I just wanna go home *insert a petulant pout here*, why hasn’t that man called about that job yet? what if it’s a lost opportunity!…(this goes on not as tirelessly as the above, in shorter spurts)

After that it’s back to some quiet time as I tell myself to just stop jabbering like an idiot and be calm. This is when Miss “You’re not special enough” waddles in and tries to get her 2 cents worth of time. It’s that irritating dejected feeling. It’s irritating because dejection comes with her…and she views everything that everyone does through the eyes of “They are so much better than you”, “You aren’t special *sob*”. Previously, I’d have just let her prattle on, pulling me down into this dark hole she crawled out from, but now I just tell her to stuff it and she does…sort of. Perseverance is a virtue that she has and I wish I did too.

I get angry too. Angry at myself, angry at stupid Malaysian drivers that have developed an art of cutting lanes and causing traffic jams, angry at the Universe for making this so confusing for me and then I come back being angry with myself.

Did I mention that I’m confused too? Well I am.  Doors that I thought are opening for me, seem to fizzle out. Instead other opportunities come by that are directly in the opposite direction that I thought I was going. I get excited about that..and it seems to fizzle out too, and I feel like I’m left with nothing.

I’m reading this book and it says that one way we receive Spiritual guidance is through dreams. In fact, in mentions that it can be an infallible method. Just ask your question and see what comes up in your dreams. Well….I got nothing. Or even if I did, I wake up with snatches of a dream that has too many holes to make any sort of story or sense to it.

This book also says (and keeps saying it again and again, too many times isn’t enough), that it’s the intention in us that dictates what we get. If intentions are true, the guidance is there. (And this is where you can just scroll up and re read everything that I have said till this point…and repeat)

Then I remember a nugget of information while reading Miracles (by Stuart Wilde) – He mentions that you also have to be clear about your intent ( you know, if I come across the word “intent” one more time today, I will honestly scream) to the Universe. You can’t be wishy washy about your request to the Universe. It has to be clear, it has to be precise. So, now I feel maybe I’m not being precise enough, maybe everything feels confusing because I am confused…and the reason why I am confused is because everything seems to be confusing..did I also mention “feeling like a lost ship” ?

Jealous. I’m ashamed to say it, but I do. When the green monster raises its ugly head, I try arguing with it. It’s not right to feel that way. It’s not my time yet…this is not for me…he concedes and leaves me instead with Ms I’m not special enough.

Right now, my mind is running at bullet speed, and nothing is positive. Even when it is, it’s a tiny little voice trying to be heard. You know those Christmas lights that get tangled up and you keep trying to untangle it only to get it more tangled until at some point you just want to rip the whole thing apart? Yea..that’s how I’m feeling right now.

The wonderful thing about all this? It’s giving me a headache.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Throwing my hands in the air and saying ” Whatever”…but at the same time, I’ve decided I’ll just trudge on. Just keep going, shedding off more of the expectations that I’ve piled on myself, tumbling, falling, getting up and just moving….sometimes with feeling, sometimes without….

Most times, at this juncture…I just have no freaking clue what I’m doing and the fear that I’m just wasting my time is there simmering…just below the surface of it all.

PS: If you noticed at the very beginning of this post, I’ve typed this out on the 16th of December..which means that yes, I’m back to scheduling my posts😉

Awesomeness is in the sharing of thoughts :)

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