Date: 25th April 2012
I sometimes feel like I’m my own special guest star on my blog, making an occasional visit , posting a few blogs and then disappearing again.
This time its been four months since my last post, which in the grand scheme of things probably isn’t that long, but on the other hand…feels like another half a life time. Only problem is that this half seems to be very familiar to the previous half..when I disappeared for 5 months.
My sister wisely told me once I am like a tree made of rubber. Similar to the yoyo I say I am, but I think her analogy is a little more apt. Imagine if you will..this tree that stretches itself all the way to one side…then releases itself and bounces not to the center as we hope but all the way to the other side. The thing is achieving balance is so hard for me it’s not even funny or sad..its just plain ridiculous!
Jumping into one pond I attempt to dog paddle as hard as I can, swimming in circles , trying so hard to keep my head above the water and expecting to reach the beautiful island in the center…I forget everything else. Getting tired I then deftly jump into another to start the whole process again, always aiming for that seemingly unattainable island.
I don’t know what to do anymore…if I wasn’t me, I’d throw my hands up and say “I’m done” and sometimes I wish I could. Honestly and sincerely just say “I’m done” and mean it. But of course I don’t. There’s always this voice that urges me on..tells me to try the next thing instead..and so I do. The sad truth is that I give up easily without actually sticking to anything. I still expect to have these big changes and I expect them A.S.A.P. Here’s the thing, I know these changes don’t happen when you want them to happen, I know it takes time, I know all these “wise” things but I stubbornly refuse to realize them! I figure if I tried as hard as I did (even for the short time I do try) with my work, I’d be blazing up the career ladder…but that’s not what I truly want. I don’t care so much about the corporate world…in fact I hate it.
Clearly I’m confused. I’ll be celebrating the big 4-0 in 5 months time and I am *still* confused of what I truly want…I am *still* afraid to tell myself exactly what I want…because I may be wrong…maybe the corporate world is where I belong being the working minion? Maybe I will not cut it with my writing? Maybe I am not meant to follow the path of spirituality as a profession? Maybe this and maybe that ; and all the while I am just trudging along my life journey, shoulders bent more and more under the weight of my self doubting confusions.
To top all this off, is this sudden yearning for a special someone. I feel alone and lonely. I’ve always wanted someone that would accept me for what and who I am. The fumbling, insecure, self doubting person that at times can’t keep her mouth shut and seems to know a great deal more than she really does about life.It’s strange but at the same time it’s not. Don’t they say empty vessels make the loudest sounds? Well…I feel that way about me sometimes, actually truth be told, most time. I’m not doing anything about finding anyone…I’m just letting it simmer on the back burner till that explodes all over me…something I am quite proficient in doing – leaving things to simmer till it explodes.
This is another attempt for me to see if I can pull my head out of whatever murky cloud I stuck it in, and try…for something, anything positive to happen. Something positive that would mean something to me. Something that would make me feel that I have finally…finally accomplished something that I truly wanted…needed in my life.
In the “real” world, the big story is that the division that I am currently working in has been bought over by another company (Nestle bought over Pfizer Nutrition). I have no idea what’s to become of my position or anything. At first I got a little panicky…a little worried, you know bills to pay and credit card to murder once in a while…but now…nothing. Just…nothing. I’m actually not too bothered! No idea what that actually says about the current state of my mind, but there it is. I am basically “business as usual”.
Like that song…I guess..what ever will be will be?
Hopefully my next post will be a little more inspiring or at least a little less depressing😉