When it has been almost 3 months since you’ve written something, anything remotely creative.
When you want to put words to page (or screen, as in this case), but your mind is strangely blank but full of half baked ideas.
When you stare through the window, looking at the sky for some form of inspiration.
When for some reason you feel sleep almost dragging you with it, but you know you’ll be unable to sleep.
When you have all these plans but feel at this very moment, completely unable to form thoughts that have any direction.
When you type the letters, deleting them, re-typing them and then re-deleting them again.
I’m sure I could come up with a lot more “When…” but that would feel like trying to conquer a mountain..so I’m just going to stop for now and try something else!
You know, if my blog was a cat, it’s probably on it’s 9th life right now, with the number of times I’ve started and stopped blogging regularly. I’ll go full steam ahead, then life rudely barges in, settles down, messing everything up and then…it’s been 3 years, a year, 6 months, 3 months since any form of life giving word has been injected into it. Which randomly brings me to this random point..I’d probably have been a “bad mom”.
The thing about this space of mine, this blog I call home, a home for my words and thoughts, and sometimes feelings to feel safe. Until recently, and for those of you who follow and read my blog, you must have seen and wondered..”Hmm, a password protected post?”. I had a friend ask me about it, and I had another who thought that, that was that. She isn’t coming back. Well, the truth is, that had nothing to do with me being distracted and a tad lazy..hehe. As for the post that has been protected, well maybe sometimes our perception of what our truth is, doesn’t sit well with others. And, being on the internet and being a public blog, short of “taking it down”, which I refused to do (standing by my words and truth, and all that stuff), I decided to use the password restricted option.
I have plans. Plans that when I visualise them, make me genuinely smile. It’s an awesome feeling. I can feel it bubble up from my heart and reach my lips, flipping their natural downward curve, up. I am not ready to mention said plans yet, but I’ve taken a few tiny steps towards it. There are times when there’s some fear as well. You know those thoughts, the “Am I good enough” type of thoughts. However, I go back to seeing myself fulfilling my dream…and I smile again. So, that’s pretty good.
Through these first few months of 2017, I have and am learning how to be confident in my decisions, to understand how to rise above emotions triggered by external sources, to be smart about what I want and work towards that, regardless of what’s going on around me. Basically, what I’m trying to say without being “negative” is, I’m learning that though it is okay to want to slap some common sense into people, it really doesn’t do me any good to turn into a volatile, about to combust volcano or in simpler terms, to not become an angry emotional mess.
In other news from life in general, I’ve been having regular dates with my dentist, at her office, and I foresee a few more visits…painful ones, we shall hope not. I’ve binge watched Elementary and for some reason wanted to punch Lucy Liu’s character in the face, tried watching How to Get Away with Murder and couldn’t get past season 2 because every single character in that show needed a firm slap and a lesson in the stupidity of their actions as well as to remove their bratty behaviours, tried watching Game of Thrones and gave that up after 3 episodes because it felt like watching porn and just yesterday started watching Lucifer. My feeling is that in this case, he’s just totally fed-up with this being the Devil thing and is merrily on his way to self-destruct. Other than that, I have come to realise that even though I do yearn going out and keeping in touch with friends, after about an hour or 2, I get all fidgety thinking about getting back to the safety my room. I really must be an introvert.
So, I guess it is true. When you either don’t know what to write or feel that you can’t write anything…just write. If only this was also true for writing that have deadlines. But, then again, those looming deadlines and surging adrenaline would help in those sorts of situations, hehe.