Have you ever written about something that affects you, and after spending a good hour on it, feeling that you have written all you want about it, read through it, did a bit of editing on it and then publishing it, suddenly realise…there was a whole other aspect of what you should have written about?
That’s what happened to me, after yesterday’s post on the seemingly ever present issue of balance in my life.
See, I talked about the “physical” stuff. Being the rubber-band/elastic-band tree. That post was about how I have issues balancing things like work and daily life stuff. And that’s all true.
However, what I completely missed was that, that is not all I have to deal with. There’s the emotional aspect of it too. There’s also the mental aspect. Though, how I think affects both what I do and what I feel.
The lesson of being balanced touches every aspect of me.
My sister: Ani, you know your issues are so boring.
Me: Oh..really? (sad face)
Her: Everyone else has so many other issues they have to deal with. You only have one.
Cue me rolling eyes at myself.
Her: Most people have an issue that they deal with, then they move to another. You..you have one big one, and you keep having to deal with it again and again.
(Or something to that effect. I can’t really remember exactly what she said)
Balancing my emotions is another side of me that I have challenges with. It’s true. My mind rules. I’m very “mental”. I used to not like it. I used to feel that it was a “bad” thing. Now, I’m learning to appreciate the strength of my mind. That, if and when I learn to tap into it, I could do anything and everything that I wanted.
Right now, to be completely honest, learning to balance my emotions isn’t really going any where. I have a lot of anger and fear within me. Fear that gives rise to the anger, frustrations, the impatience, the feeling of unworthiness, the doubts and the list can go on.
I can get angry fast. I may not show it. But it’s there. It rises from within me manifesting as reflux. Really, it does. That’s the reason I stopped reading the newspapers many years ago. Each time I read about the moronic things happening in the country and the world, I could feel acid rising up and into my mouth.
I get impatient with people too. You do not want to be sitting next to me while driving around my neighbourhood. Why? Because people are complete idiots and inconsiderate morons. Illegal parking, double parking, illegal turns…it’s like…what the fuck? Do they even THINK?
My god sis and I went out one evening. She’s in-charge of organising the NEIGHBOURHOOD private security (because the Malaysian police are too busy doing I don’t know what). So, she proceeds to tell me about some of the things she has and is still facing for example, when collecting the monthly payment or when a robbery occurs (the latest was someone’s shoe being stolen). And wow…for some reason I got really angry with some of the neighbours’ attitudes. She does this as a volunteer. She’s been volunteering almost 9 years of her life doing this. She didn’t have to, but she did. The thing was, even though she was calm, I was the one getting all flustered and angry. Sympathetic/empathetic anger? I don’t know.
It’s not only anger. It’s also the inability to voice out my feelings. It’s about suppressing my sadness. It’s about the inability to cry when I want to. It’s about all these emotional things that I face (don’t want to face) – every day.
Half the time I don’t really think about it. Because it’s tiring. I have enough work trying to learn to balance other things in my life. I don’t think I can handle the emotional aspects of it too.
Most times, I don’t even know if I’m actually feeling “okay” or I’ve become a mistress at suppressing my emotions, that I just don’t feel them (much) anymore.
Till today, I’m not very sure how to learn to balance my emotions. I have some ideas, but I’ve never really practiced them.
I get that emotions suppressed aren’t a good thing. I get that. I know it. I just don’t know how to apply it in my life.
I joke that it’s good to be lazy because half the time I can’t be arsed about really getting angry or sad or depressed, because it just drains me. Leaving me like a husk. A dried up prune. An empty cracked shell.
But, that’s really not true is it? Because it’s still there. Festering. Spurting out once in a while.
Am I an emotional wreck? I don’t think so.
Am I an emotional mess? Most probably.
Should I be an emotional wreck? Sometimes, I think that would be a good thing for me.
Will I ever learn how to bring balance to my emotions? I don’t know. I’m 45 years old now. I want to, but I don’t know when or how it will happen.