Date: 11th June 2012
New blog with a new name with no so new thoughts being written (typed) out. My journey has been one of lots of stops and starts, but you know after going through it all I really don’t mind it too much. I’m hoping that I’m learning my lessons with each start and stop. For the past few weeks I’ve sensed some changes in me. They aren’t very big changes but changes nevertheless.
I’m putting in more effort in the course that I signed up for. Reading the book, trying to figure it out…slowly, trying to minimize the time I spend on the internet, listening to some of my favourite CDs, trying to remember to say my mantras / affirmations and the like.
I’ll admit I didn’t start this willingly…I actually sorta fought it till I had a mini little breakdown. Threw a pity party for myself, got all wound up and angry, frustrated and wrote a little something:
Disclaimer: If anyone of you come across this, please disregard..I just felt this and wanted to get it out (some shit about getting stuff out) So I typed it out, thought and debated if it should be kept private, then decided if it was kept private that’s not getting this thing “out”…so therefore..its now “out”. I am hoping it gets lost in all the other shit I post..at least it won’t be so bad.
I feel like a failure.
It doesn’t help when its rubbed into your face.It doesn’t help when it is assumed I don’t know stuff..I do.
So many things I feel and that go through my mind…I put myself down more than enough…I don’t need anyone else doing that for me 😦
I so want to say to life “I give up! Just do whatever it is you wanna do with me. I don’t give a shit anymore”
But I have this stupid thing in me called hope..and to say it bluntly..this hope is gonna be the death of me
Oh and by the way, the above classic was written and posted on my Facebook page.
A week a more prior to that, I had the opportunity to meet with Anne Jones who’s a healer. I seriously was feeling desperate. I sat there in the room with her and I just talked and talked. I whined and moped and almost cried. The thing was I needed help…I had been trying but it didn’t seem to be working. I needed and wanted my heart to open. I felt that if she couldn’t help me…I was doomed. I mean I know that wouldn’t really have been the case (hopefully) but at that point in time I honestly felt so.
She helped me. That’s all I can say. Together with my wanting so much to open my heart and with her gift of healing we opened my heart 🙂 It was a step. The first step. She gave me the tools to allow me to open my heart more and I’m using it. Each time I say the affirmation and imagine my heart center I can feel that beautiful pink light wash over me and its the most wonderful feeling ever. Sometimes I feel it stronger than other times, sometimes longer than other times…but each little opportunity I get to feel it, it makes me smile and warms me inside.
She told me that there mustn’t be should or ought to in our journey. There is no right or wrong way. There is our way, the way that suits us best and to follow that. You know, hearing her say that…took a ton of pressure away from me. I still have doubts. I still wonder…but I tell myself that the aim is to ascend and to find my way to God and to my true self. It’s something I have to keep reminding myself, but that’s fine too.
Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time. My day to day life is as it is. My working life is making me frustrated. I feel like I’m losing patience easily with those I work with , I try my best to not drag myself to work by telling myself that its just a part of my journey and that I am where I am supposed to be…but that’s getting more and more difficult to do and hold on to. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon for the same type of position but at a different company. The good thing about this one is that its NOT in the Nutritional industry and it’s a European based company. I’ve no idea how the interview is going to turn out or what the outcome is – I’m hoping that it will be fruitful. I need it to be. I want it to be. The office is much closer to home which is something I am glad for too.
One of my dreams is to write about life and spirituality which is why I started this blog. This will be my stepping stone and part of my journey, my learning, my experience.
At this point, I’m contented. I still have work to do and I still want to put in more effort, but right now I’m comfortable and that to me is good.