My Journey

Date: 11th September 2012

It’s been 11 days since I left the corporate world. The first week was hectic. This week though, has given me time, too much time on my hands. I guess that’s a good thing, then again sometimes it can be a not so good thing.

My work week starts on a Wednesday evening for four hours and then full days from Thursday to Saturday. For some reason yesterday was a great start. I felt energetic, I felt alive, I felt just great until the late afternoon slump hit and I tried to meditate. Sometimes I feel like I try too hard. So hard that I miss the whole point of this journey. Blinded and frustrated about not experiencing the expected I start putting myself down.

I guess maybe hopefully this is part of the journey. For me to lose the expectations of what should be or has to be and instead listen and pay attention to what is. To let go. It’s easy I feel to think that you have let go, I mean…I left a stable job and am just doing, but you know what? I don’t think this is it. It’s part of it, sure. Taking that leap of faith and just doing it, whatever that it may be, but that’s just the first step. Maybe to truly let go is to surrender complete control of what Life, the Universe, God has in store for me. Maybe its taking that deep breath and just going with the flow. Not holding back, not thinking too much, not saying it has to be *this* way or *that* way- letting it just happen. It’s scary though. What if it’s something that I don’t like to do? What if it’s a path that I am not comfortable with?

Then again, maybe to reach that point in life I would have to feel uncomfortable, I would need to feel unsure. Talking about feeling unsure, I had a mini “Oh my God, what am I doing??” moment last evening. It was just before the “Who are you kidding, what makes you think you’re so great” moment. Like one great movie successfully sequel-ing another.

The really hard part is this: A lot of times we KNOW, we know what we need to do or not need to do. We know that we need to sometimes chill, sometimes throw our hands in the air and say “I give up, You take over” and all that, but knowing is one thing, actually practicing it is a whole other ball game. I also realize that I am terrified of actually working on myself. Sure I read, but most of these books are knowledge based, it’s not those that make you sit and go into yourself; and face who you are. The wounded self, the angry self, the petulant self, the fearful self. That’s the one thing that is sitting at the back of my mind winking at me whenever I look over – like a gentle reminder, though at times it looks like a dirty old man and I get kinda queasy. Okay, so maybe I’m not really the queasy kind, but you get the idea.

Do I regret leaving my job? NO. Do I feel that this is the right path for me? I’m honestly not sure. I want to. I know this is what I want. This is what I feel happy doing. This is also the time that my self doubting rears it’s head to make me feel insecure. This is me doubting that the self doubting is actually self doubt and not something more positive. In other words, this is the time for major confusion. My hope is that this time will pass and I will allow myself to see the path more clearly. That I will learn to let go and  then maybe I can see the big picture, or maybe it isn’t the time for me to see the big picture.

In fact, I’m just going to stop thinking because believe me when this starts it doesn’t end till it’s completely drained my brain!

27 thoughts on “My Journey

  1. Hi,

    Great To See Your story. You have became the Master of Your Own Fate, Captain of You Own Soul.

    Thank You for stopping by my writings.

    -Awesome AJ
    I am the MASTER of My FATE, I am the CAPTAIN of My SOUL.

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  2. as you say, Shree, by being aware … well that’s something… AND I think we all go through this kind of ‘wall’ thing, I had my time away from WordPress, and I didn’t write or do anything creative… I just let myself drift… searching for ‘something’ other than the ‘norm’ … Things just come to a head and… something has to give, I’m sitting here, Bank Holiday Monday, … drinking my first coffee, (need two to get my brain into gear 😉 ) … and the birds outside are singing away like mad… I wish I had their enthusiasm, but I am getting there. slowly, but surely.. Your journey is your personal ‘walk’ through this life… at this moment in time, it’s what you need to do, find yourself and you’re there.. Boredom is your mind, saying “what’re ya doin’? .. get on with something else… ” 🙂 something productive,…. and that’s what you’re achieving in your steps listed above.. … Great uplifting post … and good to have you back amongst us.. (I know I said that before ,.. but I means it!!!) xPenx ..

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    1. Aww thanks Pen and yes we all have our own unique journey specially tailored for our needs. And that the problem with our mind isn’t it? It’s full of little goblins chattering away making us feel inadequate, that we *need* to be doing something, wait for the other shoe to drop and all that stuff. It’s a good thing actually to sometimes just drift and to let be and to go with the flow…but sometimes I feel we need to keep reminding ourselves that it’s OKAY! to do that! hehe. I’m glad to be back 🙂 Missed you and the other wonderful friends I’ve made on here 🙂

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  3. Wow, you sound an awful lot like me. I over analyze things, over plan, have overly high expectations of most things and people. . . Maybe we’re twins!

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    1. Aww Binky!!! *sniff* I feel so special that you would think we were twins! Even if you’re a wombat 😉
      Now, let’s hope you are commenting as Binky and not Chris or Peter! hehehe.
      And you’re so right..I do do all those things you’ve listed out..and what happens is when I’m done with the over analyzing, over planning and expecting too much..I just freeze, get too tired and I don’t do anything! or…what is worse is I will decide to do it but without the same enthusiasm as when I was planning (because I’d be tired) and THEN I’d get all disappointed with the outcome…*face palm*

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      1. Well I was really commenting as Peter! But I do so many of those things like you do. And I often build up something so much that in reality it fails to live up to my expectations. It’s certainly good if you can temper that tendency.

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    1. You’re not a hack 😛 Yes, journeys are long…and yes it maybe uphill..and yes the view is wonderful to see…to take a rest…and then we continue…

      Mandela has a quote on just this climbing hill and life thing! I can’t remember right now..but it’s out there some where 😉

      Your view and my view…both as magnificent…:)

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            1. Ooops…hmmm…..aren’t you supposed to just click on that Linkitz thingie and then follow the instructions? AND copy and paste the code for whichever week’s badge on the side bar in your post…so it links back to the Grid…

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  4. I have not read the whole ‘My Journey’ yet, but the first page is fantastic. Go for it, follow your dreams, I am on a similar path (I am in the process of trying to do the same after losing my job, and am now reassessing my life and what I want to do).

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    1. Thank you, Penny 🙂

      I’m sorry for the loss of your job and at the same time really heartened to read that it’s given you the opportunity to reassess your life and what you want to do!

      It’s scary…I’m sure…and at the same time you show your true strength by looking at it as an opportunity! All the very bestest to you and may your dream flow like a beautiful river and may abundance follow it too! 🙂

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