Date: 26th May 2013
It’s been five months since my last update and I don’t even know how long since the last blog post!
If I’m honest with myself I’d say that I have been doing *something* in that time and for a boost of much needed confidence I’m going to list it out here!
1. Completed my project (well except for one important part..ahem) and waiting for it to be edited by a friend of mine.
2. Went through a second round of Mandala colouring workshop that I thoroughly enjoyed.
3. Started morning walks again and increased the intensity of said walks. Trying to make it for at least 5 times a week.
4. Re-scheduled my working days so that I now get more time free!
5. Finished two more modules in the course I’m taking and started on two more (which is inline with my goal)
6. Did one “professional” tarot card reading for a friend! (Yay me!)
7. Started on this 30 day squat challenge that’s been going around the internet. I also in a fit of being realistic halved the number of squats per day and the increments too. So that’s all good.
8. Finally braved my fear of entering this huge bookshop called Kinokuniya and spent RM600 + on books! Haven’t spent that amount of money on books at a go for a long time! I’m not even sure if this belongs in this list…but oh well.
9. Started to get a “crafty itch” so bought some craft stuff and made my first birthday card for a friend.
10. Made my own little “Blog and Project” notebook and another little book for To-do lists, calender and stuff.
11. Started a “self study” on the “classical” interpretation of Tarot cards ( Just 4 cards in..but hey, it’s still something!)
I also got into some deep doo-doo. Yup, I am now in need of slowly weaning myself from my addiction to Youtube! I mean you know you need help when you feel bored watching Youtube videos but still keep clicking on videos to watch! Sigh…
Personally though, internally I’ve been feeling a little lost…well sometimes a lot lost. I keep wondering “What am I doing?” “What does my soul really want?” “What am I meant to be doing?” ” Where does my passion lie?” I thought it was writing, though when I get down to it, I *do* enjoy it. I thought it was art…and when I get down to it, I do enjoy it. But being in this world and age when “getting results” is important…I feel a little bummed. It’s like at times I feel like I’m wasting my time. I read books, I try to meditate, I try to use my intuition, I keep wanting to blog …but is it leading me any where? Then I remind myself that it’s the journey that counts, not the destination.
At a certain level I do realize that I am obsessed with the outcome. I want to SEE some results. I want to FEEL that I am successful at something. And maybe I am. I know I am more patient with my patients. That’s a big thing for me, actually. I am more aware of what I am thinking and what I am feeling, even though at times it may feel like I don’t feel anything…just walking in a fog. Then at times I feel like I am getting it. I am getting the fact that it really is about the journey. It is about how I choose to live my life daily. That every experience on a day to day basis, every realization, every time I am aware of myself is what counts. That, *that* is what it is all about. But it’s a fleeting sort of a feeling. It comes, I nod my head and it’s gone; and then I’m back doing mental face palms at myself.
More often than not that feeling that I need to be doing *something* comes up. The problem is I don’t know what that something is at all! Sometimes I feel like there is this invisible wall that’s preventing me from breaking through. And I have this feeling that it’s me that’s putting up this wall but I don’t know what to do about it! Sometimes I think I’m just being plain lazy and making up all sorts of clever excuses. Honestly, I really think that it’s one of my talents! Dubious though it maybe, I’m owning it, ha!
I get excited about stuff and then I get bored of it….well, here’s the thing. As I am typing this I don’t feel bored with it at all! I’m enjoying it! I read up on the first two Major Arcana cards, wrote out the meaning in a notebook I plan to keep for reference, feeling all gung ho about it…..some three weeks ago. Then I just completely left it aside. Today I forced myself to sit down and open up the books and you know what? Just like how it actually feels good to exercise when you finally manage to exercise, I felt the interest well up inside me again for the information about the cards. It’s like I’m a living yo-yo…for everything not just weight loss!
Then again, I also think it could be that I over analyze things. I plan things out ( I *love* planning…just the planning though), I want it to be perfect and I tire myself out with all these expectations of how it has to be even before I get started. I get an idea in my head…I get excited…I can sort of see it in my mind’s eye…then I feel my brain get tired because deep within me I’m afraid that it won’t be up to my expectations! And you know what’s even worse…the expectation that I have has nothing to do with whether I like it or not but it’s all about if others will like it! My expectation of something being good enough is not about what I think of it but what others think about it! D’oh!
I literally squeeze the joy from what I like to do by basing the value of it on the reaction of other people to it…not even mine! If that isn’t silly, then I don’t know what is. You know?
Why can’t I just be happy doing something for me? Does my feeling of unworthiness go so deep? It must be…
Well, at least I’m aware of it…and that’s something good…I hope !